Feelings

April 12 2011

It just an ordinary day, another fight, another day living in denial, trying so hard just to push my feeling so deep down. I was 11 and still believed what happened was ok, I still had no idea what abuse was, let alone sexual abuse. He was my brother, so I never suspected that anything he did would ever be wrong. He was my older brother and best friend.

I woke up that morning just like any other day. Life was going ok, I was in year 6, and school has always been my escape, then more than ever. I wasn't academically smart, but that didn't stop me from trying my best. I never had the nights after school when my mum or dad would help me with revision, my reading, math or any of my homework. My mum was always tried her best, but never did she show me any love, tuck me in bed, read me bedtime stories, she was always too busy working or looking after my dad.

My dad only added to my pain, never in my life growing up did I have a positive male role model. See my dad was an alcoholic; he would come home every night dunk, he would yell and scream smash everything she possibly could. Night after night the police would take him away. I've always had this fear of police because I thought they were hurting my daddy, but really they were protecting us.

That day me and my aunty went out shopping. Again this was such a normal thing that we did together. It's what happened in the super market that day that really changed my life. We were walking up and down the ails talking, laughing and goofing around.

She asked me a question. "So Gabby do you have a boyfriend. The thought of a boyfriend made me cringe, I was so scared of males, being around them today I get anxiety. She noticed the fear in my face, this lead to more questions. I was so scared, I wanted to badly to tell someone about what happened with my brother, the pain, the fear it was all getting too much to hide and control. I could no longer live in dial. So I did what I never thought I would possible do. I told her, I didn't let her speak, I just rambled. I was finally telling someone. Her reaction scared me, just like he said no one would believe me, I laughed it off, trying to make a joke of it. But this wasn't the end of the conversation. For the first time I was letting someone in, I was allowing them to see the broken girl I am.

I told her partly what happened, as I was still trying to understand it myself. I remember just crying, she kept of asking me if I was joking. Who In their right mind will joke about something so serious. I begged her not to tell anyone, I had told someone and I thought that meant it wouldn't hurt anymore. But of course she had to tell someone, so we went home to tell my mum and the pain only hurt more.

I remember that day so clearly. It was a cold day, the wind was strong and the trees where swaying back and forth. The sky was dark and over cast. The sun was hiding behind the clouds.

It was about 2:00pm when we got home, the whole way home I begged my auntie just to forget everything I said. I was so scared my mum would hate me that she would leave. Me and my auntie came to the agreement that she would tell my mum so she did. She took my mum outside is the cold and all I could hear was "no how could he" "what do I do" "Is she telling the truth"

My mum come back in and sat on the kitchen table, tear falling from her eyes. My heart is sunk; I never wanted to hurt anyone let alone my mum. She called me over and I sat opposite her.

She asked me "Gabby this is very

serious, are you sure this happened to you"

In the moment tears where leaving my eyes, falling down my checks. Never did she try and confront me. She made me explain what happened. All the memories that pain, it all come back, no longer was it pushed so deep down it felt so roar.

She finally realised that I was telling the truth and knew she had to tell someone so she called the local police station. We had an appointment that next day at 8:30am. I was still so petrified of police and now I was going to make a statement and get asked so many questions. For years I pushed it away, just in 2 days everything that happened was brought back to the surface.

That night, me being so clue less I wrote a speech, I was going to read this to police. This is part of it.

Hi I'm Gabby,

I'm here today because from the age of seven to 10-11 my brother made me do stuff. I didn't want to do this stuff, it scared me. It really hurt to. I don't know why he did it, but I think its cause I was fat and ugly. I didn't like it, I promise I tried to stop him. It really hurt and sometimes I would bleed.

That night I didn't sleep I was cried and cried I was so scared; I just wanted my mum to hold me. I didn't know why she didn't care, or even try to make me feel better. I practiced the speech over and over again, until I memorised it.

The next day, at the police station, I didn't stop crying it was just me and this police woman. She asked me so many questions that made me feel so low and ashamed. They questioned me for hours, the whole time I was back in that world, the world I tried to escape for many years.

Those 2 days changed my life, I was no longer hiding such a dark and horrible secret. I couldn't do it alone. I thought maybe things would change but still my mum never kissed me hugged me.

I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for that day. This day was the hardest in my life, but I did it. I finally allowed myself to accept everything and try and find a way to deal with it.

On April 12 2011, I took the first step in beginning to accept that abuse. I didn't even understand that abuse was wrong until they used the word rape. I was a victim of rape, many times and it brings me to tears every time I hear it.

My bravery saved my life.