Erin and Jay headed home. They walked inside and got themselves a beer.
They sat on the couch and sat in silence. Erin looked blankly at the wall, while Jay watched and studied Erin. Her knee was bouncing up in down, and her beer was almost empty. His was completely full.
"Everything okay, Erin? You seem different," Jay stated.
"Different? Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Well, for starters, you downed your beer. Your knee is bouncing, and your knee only bounces when you've got something weighing on you. And lastly, you're quiet, Erin. You're never quiet." He explained.
"What we were talking about in the car. The 'What ifs'. I just don't know anymore. I want to be truthful and tell you what I'm thinking, but you'll hate me for it. You will and I can't take that hate, I just can't," She finished her beer. She stood up to go get another.
"I won't. Erin. I won't hate you," Jay comforted.
"I'm not happy. Honestly, it's not even that. It's that my life is great right now. We're a family again, you aren't dead, we have two wonderful, beautiful children, but it's too much. It's too much good in my life. After Nadia, Justin, after everyone we've lost, I just feel, I don't deserve to be happy. And I really don't. I let Nadia die. I let Justin die," She started.
"You didn't let them die, that isn't your fault," Jay consoled.
"Yeah, I did. And after all that, after losing them, happiness just didn't seem like a thing I should get, and the only thing I deserve is a life of heartbreak," Erin downed her second beer.
"Erin, stop. Don't put yourself down like that. I love you. You deserve every bit of happine--," Jay tried saying before getting cut off by Erin.
"I'm, I'm gonna go. I need to go. Jay, I..., I'll be back in the morning," She stated as she got up, grabbed a set of keys and left.
~~~
The next morning, Erin snuck back inside. And instead of facing him herself, she decided it'd be best if she just left him a message.
She opened up the Voice Memos app on her phone and recorded her message. Her voice shook at the end, but she hit stop and left the app open on her phone.
She left her phone on the table with her driver's license, her badge, and her gun. She walked to the bank. Fortunately, they opened early in the morning on Wednesday's, so she emptied her credit card account. Afterward, she shredded the credit card and put her hood up on her jacket as she walked into a cold morning's light.
Jay woke up, upset Erin left abruptly the night before, but he walked to the kitchen and put a cup of coffee on. That's when he noticed all of her stuff sitting there, waiting for him. He unlocked the phone and saw the message, he hit play. "Jay, I don't know how to say this. I told you I couldn't do this anymore. At least not right now. I've got too much going on with me. I've got so much bottled up shit and I've gotta get rid of it. I don't know long I will be gone, but I know it's gonna be a while, so tell Kota and Lyn I love them every single day. And tell Voight not to look for me, he won't find me. And tell Kim and Adam that I'm sorry I'll miss their wedding. And Jay, I'll miss you, but I have to go. Don't look for me, there's no use. I'll come back when I'm ready. I'm sorry. Goodbye," She said shakingly.
He stopped. Frozen. He couldn't move or speak or do anything. Even when Lyn started crying and Kota called out for him, he stood there. Finally jolting out of it, he grabbed the kids, and still in his pajamas, he drove over to Voight's, worried.
He banged on the door non-stop until it nearly broke down. Then Voight opened it. "Why are you here at 8 in the morning?" Voight asked angrily. He zipped up his jacket and stepped outside. Jay played the tape for him.
"She left all of her stuff. She didn't take the car, she took all of her money, she left her ID. She's gone, Voight. She's gone," A tear fell down Jay's face.
"Why don't you come inside. We'll figure this out," Voight stated. "Can you explain exactly what happened?"
Jay sat the kids down on the living room floor to play while Voight and him sat on the couch to talk. "Yesterday she asked me all these What If questions. I answered them and we went on with our day. But last night. Last night she was different. She drank to much. She drank like she had when Nadia died. Then she went on saying she didn't deserve happiness, that Nadia and Justin's death was her fault. Then she left. Said she'd be back in the morning," Jay explained. "I didn't know that when she said she'd be back in the morning that she was gonna say goodbye. I didn't know, Voight."
"Halstead, stop! Jay, don't blame yourself." Voight started, "If she wanted to leave, she was going to do it no matter what. If you had been awake, if you had stopped her, followed her. She still would've found a way to leave. And she's right. We can't search for her. We will waste too much time and money. She knows how to avoid surveillance and how to stay under the radar. Hell, I'm the one who taught her that. We just have to wait for her to come back. I'm always here for you guys. I can always help, Jay."
"Thanks, Voight."
"No problem Jay."
