Herbs and Spices // snowbaz

who knew hand holding could feel like this

A month after the Humdrum was defeated

Simon wasn't sure what he was meant to feel. Relief, he supposed, possibly happiness. Guilt, anger, disappointment, hopelessness. He felt all of them, and none of them. Some days, hours slipped between his fingers, like sand at the beach, only the rough particles of a couple moments sticking out and reminding him where he was. He could go hours, days, his mind numb, his senses and body on autopilot, feeling flashes of nothing, and then everything all at once.

Baz wasn't sure how to help him. As long as he had known him, Simon had seemed impenetrable, his magic a forcefield around him, his mind (while being an open fucking book) was often distant. Baz could see that at Watford, could see it when Simon would slip through the cracks of reality and disappear within his mind for moments. But they were moments, fleeting and far apart. Now, he could disappear, be unreachable for more than flashes of moments, but for substantial periods of time.
In those moments he was impenetrable but for so many other reasons; before it was because of his power, of his abilities, now, because of his pain.

IN those moments, Baz couldn't reach Simon, not with his words, not with his actions; but the only thing that seemed to keep Simon somewhat tethered to reality was his firm grasp of Baz's hand.
If he was honest, the years of fantasy about the lovefest Baz dreamed of having with Simon was very different in comparison to the reality; there was a lot of hand holding and not much else. But even holding hands with Snow, and knowing that he was there, close enough to touch, to be with, made Baz's heartbeat slow in peace.

Simon's hand would go through moments, moments of forceful clutching, almost like he was trying to forge their hands together; in those moments Baz didn't know what horrors Simon was experiencing in his head, what emotions he was letting himself feel, and Baz could only squeeze back and try and let Simon know he was willing to take any and all of his pain away.

Other times Simon's hand was but a peaceful reminder that he was there sitting next to him, at those moments Baz could almost forget they were hand in hand, and be lulled contently by the slight pressure and steadiness of Simon's breathing.

Sometimes Simon's hand was a hurricane in Baz's; fingers shaking, and palms clammy, and Baz wanted nothing else but to calm him, to say, you are not there anymore, the Humdrum is gone, nothing was your fault, you're okay. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.

Before Simon, and let's be honest, there wasn't a 'Before Simon' for Baz, everything was Simon, everything would (probably, most definitely) always be Simon, but if there was something that could be determined as "Before Simon", Baz hadn't understood the concept of holding hands. He hadn't understood the fuss about it, how anything involving clammy palms and sticky fingers could be considered a good thing, but this period of 'After Simon' or just 'Simon' showed him how wrong he was.
Because holding hands with Simon was like nothing else, it was like fires were lit in his palms (and he knew what that felt like, fire was his bread and butter). It was electroshocks down his fingers and up his arms, flames licked up and into his chest and God it hurt but god did it feel good.

Not good, because good wasn't enough. It was painful and lovely and wonderful and it ripped up his insides and tore him apart from the inside out.
And it was just holding hands.
And when it happened, Baz wanted time to stop, so he could keep it happening, keep Simon there, with him, forever; out of harms way and safely in his palm, through his fingers, an extension of himself.

'Crowley, I never want him to go,' was all he could think as he watched Simon in those moments, his mind retreating inwards, away from Baz, 'please, let me keep him here forever, safe, sound,
holding my hand.'

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Okay, hello my friends! I've decided to do a '30 day otp challenge', it won't be everyday (but hopefully every couple of days or HOPEFULLY every day) but I have something to write about now, so hopefully I'm posting lots more snowbaz! This is day one and it's about "hand holding" so I hope you enjoyed!
Thank you so much for reading and leave me a comment and a vote and tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, what your hopes and dreams are! Anything!

Also I'm writing a remus lupin fanfic (it might have a lil bit of wolfstar) so if you like Harry Potter and lupin (you'd be crazy not to!) then look out for that!!