Herbs and Spices // snowbaz

2 am thoughts

'I can't even picture my life without you; couldn't bear to have you not in my field of vision. I don't think you could leave it even if you tried to. I can't see past you. I've never been able to.'

It was dark in their room. So dark, it became a force of its own. It cocooned them in a warm embrace; draped itself over their bodies and pushed the outside world away. It was comforting in a way, an escape from anything that threatened to get between them. 

'Do you mean that?' Simon's voice trembled.

Baz pushed himself closer to Simon, intertwining their legs under the covers of his canopy bed. He fumbled to find Simon's hand, holding it tightly and letting out a ragged breath. He could just barely make out Simon's features in the shallow pool of light left by the moon. Could see the eyes that looked more blue-grey now, the eyes that he thought he knew better than his own. 

'I choose you over everyone, Snow.' 

Simon took a deep, staggering breath. Exhaled. He felt like his chest was wide open and clawed out; exposed. Sometimes Baz could make him feel like that without saying anything; his eyes peeling back his flesh and making him feel transparent, an open book. 

'When I met you, I was an angry kid who had lost his mother and was terrified he was gonna lose what he considered the next most important thing to him. I was a monster, undeserving of love; undeserving of anything that wasn't contempt and hatred.' Baz blew out a shaky breath and Simon felt it on his face. 'I was filled with so much hatred, so much anger, mostly directed at myself but then you walked in; this golden boy. And I hated you. I hated you because you were everything I wished I was.'
He paused, tasted his salty tears on his lips and smiled sadly. 'I hated you because I didn't hate you. Because I knew you would never care about me the same way, and that even if you did, I wouldn't deserve it. Because you mattered so much to me and I was so confused, so overwhelmed.'

'Baz.'

'I couldn't bear to put your life at risk for me.'

'You haven't.' Simon untangled one hand to grip Baz at the back of his neck, pulling him closer so their foreheads were pressed against each other. His eyes fluttered shut as he breathed heavily, felt Baz shaking under his fingers. 'You've made my life better in every way.'

Baz started to shake his head, but Simon continued, 'I mean, at first, you were a real twat.' They laughed, gentle puffs of air into the dark. 
'You hated me and I didn't know why. I hated you too, but I felt you invade every part of me. You are as much a part of me as the blood pumping through my veins. As the magic I feel constantly coursing in my body. You are everything to me, Baz. You've always, always taken up more space in my brain than I thought was possible. I've been obsessed with you since the minute I met you.'

There was a pause, the only sound their breath mingling in the air. Simon held on tighter to Baz's hand, moved closer to him; felt his lips ghost past the other boy's, and whispered into the dark:
'You know I'm falling in love with you, right?'

*****************

I'm back, witches. I mean I never really left but I reread Fangirl the other day (for the millionth time - I literally love that book so fricking much it's unreal) and I wanted to dive back in here immediately.

I don't know how regularly I'll post here, I'm studying writing and editing at uni now so have been writing WAY more but it's a little more stressful — but I love writing about these characters and I wanted to come back and I probably will want to again so don't leave just yet. 

thank you so much for reading and I love you and all that junk.