Seducing My Nerd Roommate [Under Major Revision]

Chapter 23

Savana

It's really hard to pretend to be okay when your really breaking inside. It's really hard to laugh when your tears are blocking your happiness and it's really difficult to accept someone back in your life because your too terrified to be broke and devastated again. How can someone say they love you if they're going to leave you at the end? How can they say that your the most important girl when they care someone the most? How can my dad love my mom when he already found someone else after she died? How can these be possible?

•••~•••

MALAKAS na ulan ang sumalubong saakin pagkalabas ko ng bahay. Magulo. Wasak. Tahimik. Tanging hagulgol ko na lamang ang nagsisilbing ingay sa katahimikang bumabalot sa paligid ko. Magulong magulo ang boung paligid na tila ba dinaanan nang matinding bagyo, wasak rin ang mga gamit sa salas at pati narin sa kusina.

Wala akong magawa kundi ang pagmasdan ang masakit kong realidad. I am all alone, everything gone changed after my mom died in an accident. My world became odd. Hindi ko alam. But after all the shits happened, I became numb and tried to be strong again.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto ni Mama. Gusto ko siyang kausapin, gusto ko siyang yakapin at gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya na kahit iniwan niya ako, mahal na mahal ko parin siya at hanggang ngayon umaasa parin ako na babalik siya.

Lahat nang gamit niya sa kwarto ay pinagmamasdan ko at kapag hindi ko na kaya ang sakit ay pasimple ko nalang itong niyayakap at napapasinghap sa kawalan.

Sinubukan kong pumasok sa kwarto ni Ate ngunit gaya ng inaakala ko, wala na siya. She's gone. Iniwan niya rin ako kagaya ni papa. They left me. Hindi ko alam kung anong kasalan ko sa mundo at kung bakit kailangan kong maramdaman ang lahat ng ito.

Out of my mind, I walk through the kitchen sink to burst my hatred. I wanna cry hard and release the pain. I want my ate Sierra to comfort me this time but she's not here to pacify, in fact, she's one of the reasons why I am wreck and the hardest part is she didn't know anything that I am dying in pain.

Crying, I pick up the broken mirror and watch my reflection in there. My eyes is getting blurry because of the tears but I still manage to hold the sharp piece and slowly thrusting it in my wrist.

"I feel like I'm in hell right now. I want the real hell." I whispered to myself.

I wanna draw vertical lines, horizontal lines and maybe circular shapes? I think it's nice. What a great art.

I am laughing so loud while leaving marks on my wrist, gusto ko nang matulog. Habambuhay. Because of too much depression, mas pinili kong abutin ang kutsilyong nakangiti sakin sa ibabaw ng mesa. Again, I can see my reflection in there. I looked bad and messed up. I looked different this night.

Kasabay ng pagkidlat ay siya ring pagsaksak ko sa sarili ko. Blood splattered on the floor, I'm bathing in my own blood and it feels so good. I love this, I didn't feel any pain anymore.

"Savaaaaanaaaaa!"

Nagising ako sa malakas na yugyog na dulot ng lalaking nasa harapan ko ngayon. Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kanya, he was looking at me seriously while trying to catch his breath.

"Ano?" Tanong ko.

Hindi ko alam pero parang galing ako sa habulan kanina at ramdam ko ang pawis na dumadaloy sa aking noo. I had a nightmare.

"You okay? Anong napaginipan mo?" Tanong ni Aaron at umupo sa tabi ko.

I rolled my eyes at umupo.