My Head or My Heart?

Chapter 16

Nico and I jumped apart startled. I barely had time to register what was going on Saraj had yanked my arm and was dragging me towards the elevator. Once we were out of ear shot of Nico's office she went in on me.

"Jaya what the fuck is wrong with you? This is what you've been doing so called 'assisting' the new doctor?" She used air quotes to emphasize her disapproval. "You have a man Jaya, a good one at that and you're meddling around with him?! Have you lost your mind?! What if it wasn't me who came in there? What would you have done had you both gotten caught and written up? You're gonna explain that to Luca? Speaking of? Are ya'll having problems, is that why you're dipping and dabbling with your co-worker? Not that, that is an excuse by any means. Girl you have got to tell me something because this isn't you. We just had a fucking conversation about Deja cheating ass and here you are!!" She was running her hands through her hair, expressing her frustration, while pacing. 

I slid down the wall and cradled my knees and let go. My heart was racing, my mind was clouded, a headache was forming and I was balling by the time she took a breath in her rant. She stopped pacing and stared at me like I had grown two heads, which isn't surprising because I don't cry. Like hardly ever. It has to be something huge for me to shed a tear so she knew this was serious. She kneeled in front of me and lifted my chin to make me look at her.

"Jaya what is going on? Please talk to me and help me understand." She sighed and stared at me. I remained crying like the despicable person that I was. "Does Nico know about Luca?" 

I shook my head. "Bitch are you serious?!" She looked dubious, but then nodded at my answer. "So I'm assuming Luca has no clue of your extra curricular activities either huh?" I looked away, a tear sliding down my face.

"Jesus take the wheel. You deserve to be on a fucking TV show with this shit here. I'm out here looking for one loyal dick and your greedy ass has two. The fuck is going on?" She started laughing at her statement despite the situation. I couldn't help but chuckle a tad at her because leave it to Saraj to make a joke out of anything and everything. 

She sat down beside me and I decided I needed to come clean to someone and finally myself. "Saraj, I don't know what to do. I have never had the urge to remotely even take a second look at a soul after I got with Luca. I was completely enthralled by him. I love him so much." Tears started to flow again as I gripped my hair and continued. "Then here comes Nico and I don't know what's happening to me. I lose it around him, all my guards are lowered and I have no control over myself at all. I try and focus on Luca around him. I even had a sit down with him to emphasize we could only be co-workers and then I get put to be with him nonstop and I can't fucking function. He makes me laugh and he appreciates my work and supports my growth, not that Luca doesn't but he understands differently because he's in this field himself. He even snapped on Sherry's bitch ass for her snide comments to me today. I fucked around and had phone sex with him thinking it was Luca. God! I didn't even realize I wasn't talking to my own boyfriend of 5 years Saraj! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I have wet daydreams about the fucking guy. I am losing my mind. I don't want to hurt Luca, he's amazing. I've never loved anyone that much and now I'm questioning everything that's anything and I barely even know Nico. I just know how I feel around him and it's mind blowing, brain scrambling. This is so fucked up. I'm stuck in between a rock and a fucked up place. I know none of this is an excuse for my behavior and I'm not expecting you to understand because even I don't." I banged my head against the wall and continued to cry.