My Head or My Heart?

Chapter 36

The next few days had gone by in a blur. Luca and I haven't had time to even say more than a few words to each other and every encounter was more awkward and tense than the last. Every time I built up the pep talk to telling him the truth something has pretty much foiled that plan every single time. If it's not my phone/pager going off to alert me of coming in or I was so exhausted that I'd be too drained to deal with how I knew it is going to go, then it's his infamous "work" ringtone calling him to jet to the office.

I know that this needs to happen though. Nico has been so patient and understanding but it's weighing on everyone for different reasons. Me, because I know I have to get this over and accept the consequences. Lately I have become more and more of a distant bitch to be honest because every time I'm with Luca I feel like I'm cheating on Nico. I know it makes no sense but my heart belongs to him now so my current situation just seems wrong. With that being said I need to do right by Luca and end this because he doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. I also know that ultimately I am going to break Luca's heart while at the same time putting his relationship with his father in jeopardy. Then add in that there's going to be so much shit talk from anybody who knew I was engaged and suddenly sees me in a relationship with my mentor/co-worker. If we are being honest here, I honestly don't give a damn what any of those people think. However, the look on Luca's face when he learns the truth is going to, believe it or not, break my heart. I'm not heartless and my previous statements may say otherwise but that is the exact reason why I need to end this, because my devotion and love are with another so I'm treating Luca like some random dude who's intruding on my relationship. Sadly enough when I stop to think about it and ignore my "I'm devoted to Nico" instincts, I have come to look at Luca as more of a bestfriend that I want in my life but I know that is going to be impossible due to the circumstances. I just want to hang out with him and laugh without the feelings and emotions attached. I probably sound like a nutcase because it's absurd but in reality that's what I'm working with. At the end of the day I just don't want him to hate Nico, because this truly wasn't planned nor could it have been stopped. Believe me we tried.

I know that Nico wants it over to face the music as well as to ultimately have me to himself.  To come home to me, wake up to me, go to sleep together, go on dates, be a real couple instead of in the shadows. As well as ultimately dealing with his role in hurting his son. I know he says that I am worth it and it brings me over the moon to even know he believes that but I don't. I don't think that anyone is worth their relationship and despite feeling this way I can't bring myself to let Nico go. I truly am so in love with the man that it scares me. The intensity of my emotions towards him is out of this world. He doesn't even have a piece of a clue to how deep these feelings even run. I wanna tell him the full length of how I feel but I need to let Luca go first. Before I can truly let him embrace these feelings and their intensity I need to be his woman and no one else's.

I ran a frustrated hand through my hair as I drove home. "I can do this! You can do this! Come on Jaya don't pussy out now, you have got to own it! Tell him!!" I finally ended up screaming at myself. I swear people would think I was completely insane had they been in the car. I pulled out my phone when I pulled up in the driveway and saw Luca's car. 

Fuck, here we go..

I let out a shaky breath and went to my messages to let Nico know to be ready for shit to hit the fan because I was going to tell him. I had to tell him. It was time. I braced myself and got out of the car. I did some deep breathing and focused on trying to be as calm as I possibly could be. I reached for the doorknob and stopped to stare at the engagement ring that I honestly barely remembered was there. It became more of a routine to take it on and off. My eyes glossed over and I blinked away the tears. Now was not the time to get sentimental over a piece of jewelry I defiled time and time again, especially not with the news I was about to present. I took one more deep breath and froze when I heard my phone ping alerting me of a text message.