This is not a fairytale-Sandersides

Chapter 8

Friendly reminder: This is not your personal vent blog. There's a person behind these stories that reads all your comments who such things can affect negatively. Hope you all are doing well and have a good day. Love, Roman

Thomas pov.

I can't-do this anymore.

I do not know why but my mind had been spiralling down an endless rabbit hole and I think I would reach the bottom soon.

I would eat as much as physically possible or not eat at all for two straight days.

I would sleep fifteen hours or not sleep at all and watch the backs of my eyelids for hours, my mind drifting to places I had never seen before and I didn't want to see either.

Talyn and Joan had asked me many times if I was doing okay and each passing day it became harder to put on a smile and say that I was just tired.

But I can't hide my emotions very well. 
Everyone who knows me will know I am not myself. 
Today I had decided to drop the act.

Joan and Talyn had come over to help me write the script for a new video.
We were in the middle of writing and brainstorming as my mind couldn't take it anymore.

"Guys there's something wrong with me."

Talyn looked up from their laptop, Their blue and pink hair falling into their face and their eyes big, awaiting what was coming next.
Joan, who had put their head on Talyn's shoulder to be able to see what they were doing sat up straight as if someone had slapped them across the face.

Well, that wasn't helping.

"Who hurt you?"
I smiled slightly at the genuine anger in their voice as they pulled their orange beanie further over their ears.

Both of them now had all of their attention on me. Well, no going back now.

"Nobody did. I just... Haven't been feeling that great for the last month or so."

A short silence followed by two pairs of arms wrapping around me from both sides.

"Tell us everything."

And so I began telling them about whatever it was I was feeling, starting with the day I broke down for the first time.
Explaining exactly how it felt wasn't easy. The words felt like syrup in my mouth, thick and sticky making it hard to get them out.

After many stories and both of them trying to help me find the right words several times, a silence erupted from seemingly nowhere. The silence dragged on for several minutes before Joan spoke up and said the thing I already knew but was too afraid to admit it:

"Fuck man. You should see a doctor about this. I don't want to be that guy but this sounds an awful lot like depression."

I just nodded and sat still, staring at the nothingness in front of me.

That's when my vision started to get blurry. At first, I didn't notice. The edges of my vision started blurring and I thought it was just the staring but, as I realized after blinking a few times and shaking my head, my vision wouldn't go back to normal. 

After a while I could only see blurry figures, my vision started losing colour and soon turned completely black and white.

At this point, I had told Joan and Talyn that something was wrong. Weird thing is that as the words left my mouth they sounded wrong and distant as if I was underwater and someone yelled them from above the surface.

The edges of my vision started getting darker and darker and I felt my heart pounding against my ribs as if it was trying to escape. My breathing quickened and my head felt as if it was about to explode. 

My body smacked against the floor, Talyn seemed to repress a scream and tried to not yell at me as they told me to remember the exercise they had learned me for the accepting anxiety video as Joan called one of my other friend to ask for help. Talyn started rubbing small circles on the palm of my hand and I think they tried to tell me to focus on that feeling, I wasn't sure though. I had sunken deeper into the water and the voices became harder and harder to understand.

Weirdly enough I couldn't seem to remember the exercise as the pressure on my head became worse and worse and my lungs burnt and I heaped for air as if I was drowning and my vision went black and everything was gone.

Is this what dying feels like?