This is not a fairytale-Sandersides

Chapter 26

Benzodiazepine Klonopin.

I read the words over and over again, trying to pronounce them in my head and probably failing.

"So this will help me calm down?"

The doctor's office was very cold, The walls and furniture all painted the same shade of off-white. The lights hung everywhere there would be a centimetre of shadow to bright and my hands too sweaty as I rolled the bottle around on the palm.

"Why yes mister Sanders. This drug will help you calm down if your anxiety is heightened, it also helps with panic attacks which I hear you have had in the past.'

The doctor, a middle-aged man with a kind face and many wrinkles from worrying too much about other peoples problems, smiled at me in a way that just simply screamed 'I do not know how to tell you I do not care about this at all' in every possible language.

After Joan had discovered my mistakes they had forced me to go see a doctor.

This doctor, in particular, had told me there was a high chance of me having depression, that I had to lay off the work for a bit and still had not once mentioned the use of an antidepressant.

I did not want to take medication. I simply wanted to be happy and if the medication was the only way for me to have that happiness then I would accept.

So here I sat. The bottle of benzodiazepine Klonopin in my slightly shaking hands which had not once stopped at doing so after I left the first mark.

Here I sat, dreaming of having a peaceful moment without the constant worry which had been clouding my head for over a year now, the access to that moment in my hand in the form of a small slightly see-through bottle of tin white pills.

Just one a day the doctor had said.

I opened the bottle, Joan and Talyn both watching me carefully as to make sure I was actually taking one and only one. A sad smile crossed their face as Joan watched how I took one of the pills out of the bottle to swallow them with a bit of water.

"Good?"

"Good"

"And remember Thomas, we will always be there for you okay. We will not judge or hate you for who you are or what you've done. We will try to help you get through everything that is or will be thrown at you. We will not leave."

I just looked at them, their orange acrylic beanie covering their short cut hair, their facial hair making their face ruff, their eyes soft and hurting.

Talyn who sat beside them was more or less the same; their pink and blue hair uncombed and hiding a part of their face, their expression one of immense self-control as if it took all of their energy to not break down.

I walked over to the both of them, the guilt rushing through me as I saw how much I had hurt them, how much I had hurt everyone including myself.

I stood in front of them, lifting my arms up slightly. They did not need more to get on their feet and wrap their arms around me, me wrapping my own around both of their waists.

"I'm so sorry" these were the only sounds I seemed to be able to produce. And like that we stayed for over two whole minutes, the medication kicking in slowly making me feel less panicked and stressed with every passing second, Talyn whispering soothing things and later on Terrence joining in on the hug as he had just come back from trying to get me a therapist. We had sent him out way too many times. Next time I'd do it myself.

*

"Virge? Virgil!"

Patton had been calling for me for minutes on end now. HIs voice having a slightly more worried tone to it every time he called out again after waiting a few seconds.

They had all come to the common room after Logan had told the two other traits about Thomas taking the pills.

Apparently, I was only interesting whenever something that might make me easier to deal with came along.