This is not a fairytale-Sandersides

Chapter 16

Overthinking had become a day filling task for me.

After having agreed on staying for a little longer Joan and Talyn had practically moved in. Them now sleeping in my bed. As I told them I would sleep on the couch they had disagreed but after saying that it was the least I could do for their help they had agreed and were now sleeping soundly, cuddled up in each other's arms right where they belonged.

Jo, Terrence and even Valery had stopped by a few times, me acting like I always had around them: cheery.

Only after Valery had left and my smile immediately dropped Joan had mentally slapped me across the face by outing the comment: ' you're using the mask again.'

'The mask' was and to this day still is a thing I had done whenever I felt very negative. It had gotten really bad right after my former boyfriend had ended our relationship.

Whenever it was impossible for me to focus on the good things I would 'put on the mask' meaning whenever I was around my friends I would act as happy as ever, letting the emotions crash down on me as soon as the door closed behind them.

Talyn was the first to notice as they were the one who found me crying in the kitchen after coming in to ask if they could be of any assistance because I had been in there for four minutes.

After everyone had gone home I had a therapy session with doctor Joan who explained to me that being someone else with your friends is normal, but hiding away your feeling completely was unhealthy and could even cause more problems than the one you were already dealing with.

With the help of Joan and Talyn, I learned to let go of the mask again, to open up again. 
Realizing I had put it back on was like a wakeup call.

I did not know what was wrong but whatever it was, it had to leave.

*
I'm sad to get you down from your pink cloud but, as I have stated before, this is not a fairytale.

Our problems will not magically disappear if we find someone who likes us for who we are.
I had found Roman, or rather he had found me, but this is not some sort of cliché romantic movie. My problems had not disappeared.
My anxiety hadn't vanished into thin air.
My attacks would not stop once and for all.

But I did not want to ruin the perfect dream Princey seemed to dwell in.
So I hid the emotions.
I hid the pressure that was slowly building up, trying to drag me to the place I belonged.

I just smiled and gave him tiny kisses.
And he just laughed and hugged me from behind while snuggling up under a blanket.
And I just cried, as the other three were sleeping soundly and I made sure Thomas let the emotions go I had told him to hide throughout the day.
I just wept, as I watched how he crashed down on the couch, into Joan and Talyn's arms or in the bathroom where his sobs echoed around the room.

Because if Thomas seemed happy, why wouldn't I be?
And if he just smiled long enough to convince the others, they wouldn't notice the dullness inside his eyes.
And if he laughed, why would I be feeling anything else than absolutely marvellous?

Right?

Because that's just how the world works.
You fake your way through it, from primary school to nursing home, until the very last breath you take.