the divine feminine → chris schistad

tjue

"nez, what's wrong?" xavier asked his sister as she stirred the pozole she was making.

"who said there was something wrong?" nez looked over her shoulder as she set the ladle down.

"you can't answer a question with another question." xavier accused his sister with a raise of his eyebrow.

nez sighed, shaking her head. "watch the pozole for me? i have to use the bathroom."

xavier gave her a look while she gave him pleading eyes. he sighed, standing from his chair as she hurried off to the bathroom.

"hold yourself together," nez sighed, splashing water on her face.

her reflection in the mirror was so unfamiliar. her bloodshot eyes, from her sleeping too much, almost made her unrecognizable. the almost permanent frown on her lips made it hard for her to actually believe that she was looking at herself.

what was becoming of her?

"this is why you don't fuck with people." nez told herself in the mirror. she suddenly regretted letting people get close to her. she should've just sat by herself on her first day of school. friends just came with so many more emotions that nez wasn't used to feeling. "when you let people get close to you-" she stopped, feeling herself tear up. the knot in her throat seemed to thicken as she tried so hard not to think about it.

but all she was doing was thinking about it. she didn't talk about it. she needed to say it.

"this is what happens when you let yourself get close to you." she told herself in the mirror. her throat hurt as she struggled to not cry. "more friends, means more hurt. and- and you don't deserve that. you d-deserve better."

she could feel her walls starting to build up once more. it was gonna be okay. her walls stacked and stacked like a handful of jenga pieces — fragile, but could be build to be stable.

nez placed her wet hands on her cheeks, trying to cool down her face. she blew air from her cheeks, letting her shoulders fall. she didn't notice the dripping faucet as she stared at her reflection, self-evaluating.

"small circle." she repeated to herself, nodding. she murmured it a couple more times for confirmation.

nez patted her face with a towel, finally shutting off the faucet. she took a deep breath, counting to five as she unlocked the bathroom door to return to the kitchen.

"hennezy." chris seemed breathless at the sight of her.

and down came the jenga pieces build around her heart and insecurities. she hated to admit it, but she could never follow through with keeping her emotions in check.

there it was again. the lump that nez managed to swallow down. it returned as she stared before her into the eyes of the boy that'd been running through her mind all day.

"christoffer?" her voice was much more delicate. she was shocked to see him to say the least. she had to question herself if she was really seeing chris in front of her.

"yeah, i'm really here." chris breathed with a slight chuckle. it soon faded as he realized she wasn't laughing.

"why?"

"it's a cold day. william and i are sick and xavier invited us over for soup-"

"no, i meant, why are you talking to me?" nez couldn't look at him for long.

"because.. i..." chris scratched the back of his neck. "i miss you. it gets weird- quiet when you're not belting out in a song." he shoved his hands in his pockets as he laughed slightly.

"you miss me?" nez gaped at him in disbelief. "christoffer, you didn't leave for the holidays, you deliberately avoided me."

"yeah, i know." chris slumped his shoulders. he messed up, it took a lot of pride to swallow for him to come to terms with that. "i shouldn't have blown you off these last few weeks. i definitely shouldn't have stood you up on halloween, i'm just kind of- forgetful. and lately, there's been so much on my mind that i-"

"take your frustrations out during sex?" she finished for him.

"i- yes." chris didn't even deny it.

"why don't you talk to me about it c? i'm one of your closest friends, you can talk to me about things like that. yeah, i'm no a therapist, but when i-" she flinched slightly, looking away as she took a deep, shaky breath. she was afraid she was going to start crying. "when i don't know what's going on with you and i can't actually get the opportunity to talk to you, i worry."

"hey, hey," chris stepped closer to nez, hugging her to comfort her. "i am sorry for worrying you. i'm sorry for dodging you. i am so sorry, it won't happen again." he cupped the back of her neck, bringing her to nuzzle her face in his chest.

"you're apologizing and i forgive you, but," nez inhaled chris' familiar scent and felt more... comfortable in her own home. "i know it's going to happen again."

"what do you mean?" he suddenly forgot who he was.

"that's your reputation, christoffer. you get more riled up about sex than at pep rallies. it's okay." you can't change him. "i just want you to talk to me when things get crazy because i care about you a lot."

chris' hand slid up to cup nez's cheek. she willingly looked up at him with a gleam in her eyes. he had his eyebrows slightly pushed together as he nodded his head. "i know babe, i- i'm trying."

chris and nez had a lot more in common than what meets the eye. nez didn't know how to communicate properly; she had trouble having the simplest conversations, not knowing how to respond. chris didn't know how to speak about his issues; he dealt with them the easy way, the only way he knew how to relieve stress.

in a way, both reserved thoughts from one another. ones that should've been discussed between the two. but the thoughts were dismissed as something they'd worry about later.

their staring contest was intense. each reading one another. chris held her close, hand still on the side of her face as he brushed her cheekbone with his thumb.

"hey chris, wher- oh shit," william took a step back immediately.

chris let go of nez's face immediately and nez completely stepped away from chris, cheeks growing warmer by the second.

"hi william," nez softly greeted with a small smile. she walked towards him, hugging him as she descended down the stairs to return to her brother.

william only stared at chris, who stared back. it wasn't long before they both broke out into grins.

"i know what you're thinking," chris told william. "we didn't kiss, we weren't about to either."

"i call bullshit. no one gets that close and didn't have the intentions to kiss." william looked behind him to make sure nez was gone.

"in case you haven't noticed, nez and i have kind of always been affectionate? that's kind of how we work." chris explained to william, who nodded in response.

"okay, let me go blow my nose and we'll join your girl and her brother downstairs." william passed chris in the hallway into the bathroom.

"if you think i'm waiting for you, you're wrong." chris called outside of the door.

"fuck you, schistad."

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21 april, 2018 - unedited

happy 4/20 babies, i'm boutta get fucked up this weedkend. if you're celebrating 4/20, be safe! drink water so you don't get cottonmouth! be in a comfortable environment! have fun! i love you so so much, mwah!

this was supposed to be posted yesterday oops.