Mercy

Chapter 30

That night the sleep was the best I had gotten in a while. I woke to the sound of pots and pans in the kitchen and the heated rays of the sun pouring over my body and slowly warming me. Smiling, I stretched myself out of the couch, releasing my body from its once sleepy state. Then it hit me, I was now alone on the couch. There was a small bubble of panic starting in my stomach as I sat up; my eyes searching for Liam. As soon as my eyes landed on him there was an instant calming effect that washed over my whole body. He was still here – I thought to myself as I stood up and shuffled to the kitchen. There he was in all his godly glory in a pair of tight jeans and no shirt. His muscles in his back rippled under the skin as he flipped a pancake on the skillet. “Hi.” I whispered, my voice still not awake. He glanced over his shoulder, giving me the sweetest smile. “Morning gorgeous. How are you feeling?” He asked, his focus back on the pancakes in front of him. Between the glorious view of his shirtless body and the smell of sweet pancakes filling the room I was having a hard time focusing.

The sound of a plate being sat in front of me snapped me out of my Liam-pancake day dream. “You feeling okay?” He asked, a concerned look on his face. “Oh... yeah I am fine I was just thinking about how nice it is to wake up to breakfast.” I lied, pulling the plate towards me so I could inhale the sweet aroma. He chuckled as he poured more batter onto the hot pan. “Anything for you.” He said quietly as if he didn’t want to me hear him.

After his pancakes were done he poured us both a cup of coffee and sat down across from me. I could tell there was something on his mind; he didn’t look at me and his smile had faded into a thin line as he focused on his cup of coffee. His finger following the curves around the edge of the cup; his focus was somewhere else like he was trying to decide what to say. “We need to talk about what happened… I don’t want to talk about it and honestly I wish we could just pretend it didn’t happen but I know that isn’t possible.” He paused, taking a drink of his coffee; his eyes locked on to the cup he was holding. I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest as I hung on every word that came out of his mouth. His eyes lifted from his cup connecting with mine; the thumping in my chest felt like it was hard enough to make the earth shake. “I wasn’t hooking up with those girls or anything like that.” His eyes never once left mine and even though I saw what I saw his words rang true deep inside my chest. “Then what were you doing in there with them?” The words flew from my lips like they had been waiting there since the event took place – just waiting to confront him. I never had such confidence until I met him but he made me feel so different. “You have to promise not to freak out if you want me to tell you.” His deep voice rang in my ears and I could hear the hint of worry behind his words. “As much as I would like to promise you that, I can’t.” I whispered as I looked down at my pancakes which were getting cold. They had smelled so good but the heaviness of the conversation we were having had made me lose my appetite.

He sat there silent for a few minutes, I wasn’t sure if he had changed his mind about telling me what had happened that day. “I understand…” He started, my focus now glued to him again. “I was selling them coke.” His said blankly. My heart felt like it sank into the pit of my stomach. The look of shock and confusion on my face must have been noticeable because his hand reached for mine. He gave it a light squeeze and waited for my reaction to calm down. “But... I… why… I don’t understand…” I sputtered as I snatched my hand away from his. The look of hurt on his face as I ripped my hand from his broke my heart. Taking a deep breath, I tried to wrap my mind around what he had just told me. Is this how he makes his money? Was I really dating a drug dealer? Well we only dated for less than 24 hours so I’m not even sure if that counted. My mind was racing through all these thoughts I had forgotten he was sitting right in front of me. “I sell a little and do some other…shall I say illegal activity but it’s just how I grew up. You could say it’s a family business.” He shrugged like it was no big deal to him. “But I don’t do drugs.” He added quickly, seeing the worry now etched across my face. He didn’t know my past so I didn’t expect him to understand the internal struggle I was currently having. On one hand this man had me feeling ways I have never felt before. He makes me feel safe, beautiful and has awaken new feelings that I can’t even explain. I knew there were things that I would have to accept to be with someone like Liam but I didn’t see this coming. Had my feelings for him blinded me from what was going on right in front of me all this time? My heart ached as memories from my childhood flashed before my eyes. All that pain began to bubble up from the depths I had hidden it away and I felt myself bawling. Through my blurry vision I could see Liam jump up from his seat and run to my side. He dropped to his knees, turning me to face him so he was positioned between my legs. “Sam I know that this is not what you wanted to hear, I know that you are too good for someone like me but I can’t deny these feelings you give me. I have never felt this way before and I don’t know what I will do if I lose you…” His arms wrapped around me, holding my quivering frame close to him. His face dipped into a frown as he felt my body shake, the tears unable to stop coming out accompanied by loud sobs. “Baby, please tell me what’s wrong…” He buried his face into my neck; the smell of his cologne filling my senses with a fog of comfort. How could a man that makes me feel so much comfort be so bad? He can’t be! I tried to rationalize it all in my head, my sobs now soft whimpers.

Part of me wanted to explain to him why this was so difficult for me – that part of me wanted to bare my soul to him. The other part of me was ashamed of my past and I didn’t want him to think of me any differently. What if I told him and it changed how he felt? Could I handle it if he left me for good? Could I handle not being with him? The short time away from him had been pure torture. In such a short amount of time he had managed to break down all my walls and sink his claws deep inside of me.

“Please say something…Anything….” His sweet voice pulled me from the questions swirling around in my head. This was all so much to handle right now. I couldn’t think straight and all my thoughts felt intense and jumbled. “I need time…” I blurted out as I pulled away from his hold. Instantly my body begged for his touch and the warmth of his body against mine. Turning without another word I headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. I let my body rest against the door, taking slow deep breaths as I tried to process everything that had happened. Running my hands through my tangled hair, I tugged at it gently.

Like my body was in a self-pilot mode, I didn’t have to think as I stripped off my clothing and started the shower. Hissing softly as the boiling water hit my sensitive skin, I tried my best to ignore the pain it caused. I began scrubbing my skin roughly with my wash rag, between the steaming water and the intense scrubbing I watched as my skin turned bright red. Since that night every time I showered I felt like I had to scrub away all the invisible filth that man had left on my skin. After scrubbing my body three times I finally turned off the water and climbed out. I wrapped the fluffy towel around my aching skin and made my way out of the bathroom and headed towards my bedroom. My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I entered my bedroom and saw Liam sitting there with his head in his hands. Oh how seeing him that way made my heart ache, all I wanted to do was hold him tightly and kiss away all the discomfort he had. Even though I wanted to make that move I couldn’t – I just stood there frozen in my spot.

His eyes darted up at me, his eyes growing at the sight of me in my towel. Then I felt his eyes move down to my bright red skin and I could see the hurt on his face. “Sam…” He whispered as he stood up, taking a slow step towards me. My body automatically took a step back away from him and my eyes dropped to the floor. “I’m fine. I just need some time to think. Okay?” I peered up at him through my lashes as he nodded. Without another word he moved past me and out of my room. I stood in my spot until I heard the front door shut behind him. A tear ran down my cheek as I shuffled to my bed and collapsed onto the bed. All my emotions broke free and I let it all out.