Mercy

Chapter 25

All the sounds surrounding me now were muted. My mind was spinning as I stumbled around the room collecting my things. Why did I let my guard down? I have lost all control of myself and I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Trying not to give in to the tears that were threatening to spill over I decided I needed to get out of here and now. My chest ached as I took a deep breath and pulled the door open and made my way down the stairs. There were voices and music all around me but I couldn’t understand any of it. The sounds just pulsed in my ears. I knew there was a small gas station down the road and I could call a uber once I made it there and got the address from the clerk. The whole walk was a blur and before I knew it I was standing in front of the gas station.

I collapsed to the ground outside as I waited for my ride; my phone was now blowing up and I couldn’t handle it so without thinking I turned the phone off and buried it in my bag. The ride was long and I sat there in silence staring off into the distance. I couldn’t think at all I just felt numb all over.

When we finally arrived in front of my tiny apartment I paid for my ride, not even caring that it had drained my bank account dry. Nothing mattered right now. My bag drug across the ground as I made my way to the door. As I shut the door behind me I was overwhelmed with the silence. The tears began to stream down my face as I slowly made my way to my bedroom. How had I allowed myself to fall so quickly for someone? Why did I have to let my guard down and trust him? How could I make such a huge mistake? All these questions swirled around me leaving me nauseous. Plain and simple I was mentally and physically exhausted. There was no way I could think about any of it any longer. I locked my door behind me and crawled under the heavy comforter on my bed.

At some point early in the morning I am woke up by loud banging on my bedroom door. I pull the blanket up over my head as I sink deeper into the mattress. “GO AWAY.” I yelled, I didn’t even care who was on the other side of that door, I just wanted to be left alone.  “Sam? It’s me, Lacy, are you okay? What happened?” She called out, I could hear the sadness laced through her voice. “Lacy, please just leave me alone.” I called out in a firm yet defeated voice. She said something quietly but to be honest I didn’t even listen. Things were better if I were alone. There was no getting hurt, no being lied to, and no chance of being betrayed. This is how things needed to be and I wasn’t going to let myself down again.

Over the next few days I decided to skip my classes. I wasn’t ready yet to face the world and to be honest I don’t think I could even convince myself to get out of bed. Lacy would occasionally knock on my door and try to talk to me but I never said anything back. I would only slip out of my room after she left for the day. Her schedule was pretty easy to remember so it wasn’t hard to manage. I just needed more time to prepare myself before dealing with other human beings. The only reason to leave my room was to get a cup of coffee or go into the bathroom. My stomach had been in knots for days so there was no point in trying to eat anything.

By Thursday I had managed to leave the house, mainly because I was scheduled to work and to be honest I couldn’t afford to miss it. After class I slumped into the café storing my things in the back room before making my way to the counter. “Good morning, Liz.” I said softly as I started to make another pot of coffee. She gave me a sweet smile; her smile turning to a frown as she looked at me longer. “Oh dear…Sam are you feeling alright? You don’t look well.” She said softly in a genuine tone. I knew I looked rough, although I had been in bed for the past few days I hadn’t actually slept much. The dark bags under my eyes were proof of that. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just burning the midnight oil on some school work last night…” I lied, giving her a faint smile. “You have to take care of yourself…” She nodded in slight disapproval before heading to the back room. I knew she was right but there was only so much I could do right now and to be honest getting out of bed was about it for today. The rest of the afternoon came and went, all in one big blur. It was about ten minutes until the end of my shift when he walked through the front door. My heart sank deep in my chest and suddenly I felt sick. “What can I get for you today?” I said softly, my eyes not leaving the register. “Sam…look at me…” His deep voice like velvet only made my heart race faster. I glanced up at him, my eyes meeting his for just a second before trailing back down to the register. “Sam… " His whispered, leaning against the counter to touch my arm. My arm snapped away from his touch as I shook my head. “I can’t do this…” I turned on the spot and slipped into the back room leaving him standing there. There was no way I could deal with him, not today. I barely had the ability to get out of bed and shower let alone look him in the eyes. He did things to me and made me feel ways that I couldn’t explain. “Hey Liz, I’m not feeling so well can I sit for a moment?” She nodded, giving me a sad look before heading out to the counter.