Do Not Fucking Touch Me // Reddie

Thirty Nine

(Eddie's POV)

I opened my eyes, waiting for this nightmare to be over, but I was still in the same hospital bed, still in the smallest room imaginable. The walls felt like they were closing in on me, like in the Star Wars movie. I could feel my breathing quicken and my heartbeat pound in my chest. Then, I looked down, and at my feet, cradled by my legs, fast asleep, was Richie Tozier. I didn't feel like I was dying when I looked at him. He looked so thin, so fragile. His jaw was cutting into my shin. His cheekbones poked at my skin. His little wrists could be seen from inside his sweatshirt. What was he doing to himself? I thought I was small.

I didn't want to wake him. He stayed up with me day after day, night after night while I was required to stay put here. The doctors wouldn't let me leave until I was no longer suicidal, or whatever. The whole situation was horrible. The moment I felt the pills kicking in, I regretted it. I wanted to live, I wanted to tell Richie I loved him one last time. I don't know what power allowed me to walk the face of the earth again, but I was so thankful it did. 

"I love you," I whispered down to Richie. He couldn't hear me, he was fast asleep, but it didn't matter. He got to me in time for me to be saved. Maybe it wasn't God or the Universe or anything that saved me. Maybe neither powerful entity exists. Maybe time was all that mattered in the world, and thanks to Richie finding me and getting an ambulance to come save me, I was allotted my extra time. I was determined to put it to good use. I wanted to see a counsellor, a real one, not one so easily influenced by my mom's words. I wanted to get help and provide a better relationship for Richie. I didn't deserve him. I really didn't. He cared so much about me with hardly anything to show for it. It was destroying him, and I was determined to help that too. 

"I love you too," he whispered back. I gasped and smacked his arm. He giggled. He wasn't sleeping at all. 

The night before he had prepared a surprise for me, the whole Derry dance experience from the comfort of this enclosed room. We slow danced for what felt like hours. I was lost in his smile, his eyes, everything about him brought me comfort and warmth. It was very sweet of him to think of me like that. I was beyond grateful for the person he'd become with me. He was kind of an asshole prior, but I knew he had good in him. He was my friend and I saw his potential, his softer side. He truly let that side of him take over when we started dating. It was like he was a brand new person, and the gates of heaven opened for me and him. 

"You fucking-" I tried to make fun of him pretending to be asleep just so he could take in me admiring him. He cut me off, per usual.

"Beautiful boyfriend of mine?" he finished the sentence in his own fashion. I rolled my eyes and nodded. 

"Yes, that's exactly what I was going to say."

He flipped a piece of his curly hair back behind his shoulder and smirked. "What can I say? I'm a fucking beautiful boyfriend."

I reached down and held his hand. "You make me a lot of promises, Richie. I want to make you one."

He smiled with his eyes pressed shut. "What is it, babe?"

"I promise you that I will get help and never try to do this again.... on one condition."

He opened his eyes and looked at me. "Anything."

I beamed at him and held his hand tight. "I want you to get help too. Please. For me. Please, I don't like seeing you like this."

He frowned at first. "I will. Just for you. I just didn't want you to leave me," he said. I looked at him worried.

"Why would I leave you? I was so in love with you I tried to off myself not but three days ago," I joked. He seemed to feel a sting from those words. I shouldn't have said them. What was I thinking? 

"Eddie, I don't think I'm good enough for you. I know you think I am, and I try my best to be the perfect boyfriend for you, but I've got issues too. I can't be someone to count on to save your life whenever you need, as much as I want to. As much as I love you, I'm hurting too. I don't eat for days on end and my fingers twitch just thinking about you. You've absorbed my thoughts."

I frowned. I was no good for him. His health was suffering because of how much effort it took him to stay with me.

"I don't think I'm explaining this very well," he continued, "I love you. I'm never going to leave you. I am going to help you get better, and I'll try to do the same with myself. I just wanted to let you know... I'm not perfect. I need you to be okay with that, or I'll never believe you actually love me."

I pulled his frail body up closer to me and hugged the boy tight. I felt so many bones, he was so light. "I know you're not perfect, I didn't expect you to be," I whispered, "But I still love you, with every bone you show and every tear you cry. I really think we're meant to be, Richie."

He pulled away from the hug and kissed me. It felt the same as the first time he did it, soft, gentle, sweet. 

"I want to make you happy, Eds." 

"You do," I smiled.