Do Not Fucking Touch Me // Reddie

Twenty Three

(Eddie's POV)

After we got to the hotel, and I had to be woken up yet another time, Richie told me. He told me he was taking me ice skating, and my uncle didn't even have to tag along. I didn't want him to come along everywhere, anyway. The whole trip made me somewhat uncomfortable. I never had a choice in the matter. Richie and Uncle Jack decided without me that they were both going to be there, for the whole week. I don't even know how Rich convinced him to let us both be alone in the big city. We were only fourteen. I felt crowded and anxious, walking out of the hotel beside my boyfriend. This town wasn't Derry. This wasn't even just a town, it was a city. A city of thousands of people surrounding you at all times. 

I was worried. Beyond worried. The confidence surrounding Richie and I's relationship I had while in our hometown faded in a new environment. I just wanted to stay in the hotel room for a little while until I worked up my courage. I didn't want to be judged by everyone I came across, just because I was gay. I was in love with Richie. I wanted to be able to hold his hand while ice skating, lay on his lap in Central Park, and to kiss him in a dark theater in Broadway. 

"So," Richie said, holding a map of Manhattan in front of him, which he marked up with red sharpie. "If we take this road for two blocks, turn right and walk for three blocks, Rockefeller Center will be on the left." He traced the path with his finger to show me the way we were going, so we wouldn't get lost. My uncle insisted that we carry the map, as well as a can of pepper spray, as a condition on letting us go out in the city alone. I felt so vulnerable, even with Richie by my side. He would keep me safe to the best of his ability, that I knew for certain. But his best ability could be overthrown by any one adult on these streets in a second. They could hurt him. I wanted him to be safe, which wasn't a usual concern of mine. 

He reached out to hold my hand as we walked next to each other, and I stepped away. The distance between us grew, and was not unnoticed. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and he looked extremely hurt. 

"Eddie," he faced me. I felt tears growing in my eyes. I was absorbed by discomfort and anxiety. I wanted to so bad, to hold his hand and feel secure, but every person that passed, I felt their eyes on me, and on us. We couldn't be happy in this world with everyone staring.

"I can't, I'm sorry." I whispered. 

He frowned. "Why?" 

I sighed sharply and walked into the coffee shop we were passing. He followed, and we walked to an area that didn't have anybody. I sat down at an empty table. Richie sat across from me. 

"What is this about, Eddie? What's with you?"

I gulped and prepared to answer. "I'm scared." 

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What are you scared of, Eds? Germs? I looked it up, and there's not as many unsanitary things about this city as you may think," he said. 

I shook my head. "No, it's not the germs. It's the people."

"No one's going to hurt you, Eddie, I won't let them."

"What if someone hurts you, Richie? What am I supposed to do in that situation? I'm not tough, I can't even hurt someone with words like you do so well."

He placed a hand on my knee under the table. "No one's going to hurt me. We're just going to go ice skate and then go back to the hotel. That's it. This is a safe part of the city."

I sighed. "There's something else that I'm afraid of."

He looked confused. "What, Eds?" 

I paused. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to think it was in any way because of him. I loved being affectionate with him, more than I ever thought that I would. I felt good to be with him, even in public. But that was Derry, and Maine was so different than it was here. Everything was so public and exposed. 

"I'm afraid of what people will think....about us."

He frowned. I knew it. I knew it would make him upset. I instantly regretted telling him. 

"I love you, Eddie," he said, to my surprise. "I don't care what people say about us. Think about this. Yeah, there's many people in this city. There's so many people, that we will just blend in here. No one's even going to notice or bat an eye at two boys holding hands. And if they're going to judge us, then fuck em! Fuck them! People are always going to have different opinions about us, and if we let it get to us, they win. We'll end up breaking up or something and it'll break my heart. I'd rather be myself and let the world see I love you than let them win and lose you."

I smiled after his speech. He said some really compelling things. After that, I was sure of myself again. Fuck em. That would grow to be my new motto. I walked out of the coffee shop with my boyfriend, his hand linked with mine.