Her heart aches as she takes a deep breath and makes her way into the soft yellow room. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Reaching up she wipes the tears from her cheeks and makes her way over to the rocking chair. She hesitates before sitting down and resting her hands on her knees. She spent weeks, months even picking out all the colours and the bedding. She dreamt of bringing their child home and putting them to sleep in this nursery. She dreamt of rocking the little one to sleep in the early hours of the morning in this rocking chair. She dreamt of being a mother.
Just forty-eight hours ago she had been happily folding tiny baby grows and placing them in drawers, she had been installing the carseat and setting up strollers. Just forty-eight hours ago she had been an expecting mother. Now, she has a headache caused by the many tears she's cried, her stomach feels empty and so do her arms. Her body aches the same way it would've done if she had given birth to a living baby and her breasts are filled with milk that she has no use for anymore. She's exhausted, she's hurting and she feels more alone now than she ever has.
A simple growth scan they'd called it, told her not to stress out because everything had been going so perfectly with her pregnancy. She'd been excited about the idea of seeing her baby once again, seeing all the tiny features which had developed and grown since their twenty-week scan. On the way to the hospital they'd stopped off at Nordstrom and picked out a tiny Nike fleece romper because they simply couldn't resist.
Even going into the scan, they had no idea their world was about to fall apart until the doctor turned to face them, a sympathetic look on his face and uttered those five words she never expected to hear.
'I can't find a heartbeat.'
She was thirty-six weeks pregnant, one week away from being classed as full term and four weeks away from her due date. Just sixteen hours after being told their tiny baby didn't have a heartbeat she gave birth to their beautiful little girl; Darcy Devonne. They got to spend thirty-two hours just cuddling, kissing and loving their little girl. They spent thirty-two hours being told by each nurse who entered the room that their daughter was beautiful, perfect even. They bathed her, dressed her and took pictures like they would've done if she had taken a breath. They were her parents even if it was only for thirty-two hours. Darcy was blessed while she cradled her in her arms just like she would've done at her christening. She was swaddled in a blanket and kissed a million times before they had to say goodbye; they were never ready to say goodbye.
She should've came home with a baby in her arms instead she walked through the front door carrying a memory box provided by the hospital and a bunch of leaflets on how to get through the next few weeks. Her heart aches as he makes his way into the room, his own cheeks stained with tears as he sits down on the edge of the table beside the rocking chair. Silently they sit, tears streaming down both their cheeks and her head resting on his knee as he runs his fingers through her hair; it wasn't supposed to be like this.
