The Love Experiement

Flipping thru the pages of you...

It saddens me that our reason for getting together is to send one of our love ones home. I've been fighting tears since my arrival. Walking slowly thru this house, peeping in each room....

This one was Grandaddy's...

His dresser was here....his bed here....

yet....

His smell is gone.

I remember standing in this bowl. Grandaddy would wash my knees till I thought they would bleed. He was so heavy handed. His long fingers, hands so much bigger than mine. I rush to the other room, attempting to dismiss the tinge in my eyes. Me and my sisters slept in this room....in one bed. It makes my stomach flip just sitting in here. We would kick each other until we would fall asleep.

The attic....

The stairs haven't changed. Yet the room...WOW...it’s carpet on the floor where there was nothing but hardwood. It’s a guest bedroom now. I run, skip, hop, and jump to the basement. Damn, did I get taller? It seems so much smaller since the last time I was here. I search for pieces of Grandaddy but I don't find him anywhere.

I finally make my way to the kitchen. Nothing is the same here. A tear drops as I stand in the doorway. I remember eating instant oatmeal on the patio.  I check the sink, this isn't Grandaddy's kitchen anymore. He and I use to make tea cakes here. I've made them several times since he has died. I can't seem to perfect them. They either taste like baking soda or they come out like biscuits - YUK.

I walk to the backyard noticing the garage is gone, yet the yard seems half the size. Then I see you.

A flashback of a phone call I received just a few months before comes to my mind. Damn its good to see you again. I cried the night of your accident. I was sitting with friends I'd grown up with in some restaurant, crying my tears out. We had already had seven deaths, and you, not you....God Please not you.  I so badly wanted to be there. I called and spoke, sending text messages to stay informed...yet at this moment, I realize.....it wasn’t enough.

I have my list of reasons, we all do. But to not have given the time to just say hello and I love you...to take time to be in your presence and experience your life as you mine. Take time with my kids, me meeting your friends. You are special to me...Know this now and forever.