Turned

Chapter Fifty Four

I didn't get a moment's peace, Matt picked up my feet, threw them onto the ground and sat next to me. I looked at him, confused but barely even functioning. I didn't ask him what he wanted, I didn't care. I leaned back, sighing as my head pounded, like a metal band was rehearsing and chose my head as the perfect venue. I wanted to scream but this time, kept silent. There were few miracle cures, I knew that. It wasn't as if I could take a couple of headache relief pills and lie down, couldn't do either of those things, much to my general annoyance. 

"Talk" he ordered.

"Got drunk, went back to a friend's house" I replied in a disinterested tone.

"That's it?"

"Yes, that's it, why?" I snapped.

"I was worried" Matt complained.

"I'm sorry"

I did feel sorry for what I said, I was out of order, snapping at him. As if he deserved it, after all he did for me, getting beaten up because of me, having to put up with Lena, without complaint. He was a good friend, one of the best. Sometimes I admittedly didn't think I deserved him, he was good and kind, loyal, sometimes to a fault and I felt ashamed of myself for what I put him through, what he had to deal with... me, my hatred of myself, the hate he received from my family when we left... all that should've made him leave, but he didn't.

"You didn't deserve that" I added.

"It's okay, I understand, don't worry about it, just get better" Matt replied.

I didn't want to feel guilty, but I did, a wave of guilt washed over me, making me frown as I cursed my own idiocy. How could I be so cruel, so unfair to a man I liked so much? It was unfair to say the least, he didn't deserve it, he was a nice guy, one of the good ones.

"I really am sorry... for all I put you through" I whispered.

"And I'm sorry I was quick to judge and assume" Matt replied.

I didn't blame him, I'd do the same if I was him and he, me. How could I pretend I wouldn't? I would, of course I would, I'd believe I could change but not that I wasn't guilty of harm.

Truthfully if it wasn't for Matt, I probably would've killed, drank human blood, anyone's blood just to survive. It wasn't a nice thing to admit but it was the truth, cold as ice, hard as stone, solid as a rock and true, completely true.

What I honestly hated was the idea that I'd somehow hurt him, bite him. I was worried about taking his blood, in case it cost him, his life. That wasn't fair, that was cruel, I loved him like a brother, killing him would end me, kill me inside, tear me apart until there was nothing left of me but a cold, hard, empty shell that once had a human soul inside, lost when I decided I was no longer a human.

"How's Lena been?" I asked.

"Fine, I suppose, a little upset but I made dinner and made sure she was okay... I treated her like she's my own sister" Matt reassured me.

"I'm sorry I was out" I replied.

"Don't be silly, you're fine, I promise"

"How are you healing?" I asked.

"I feel a lot better... please tell me you're not feeling guilty" Matt begged.

"I do, you know why"

"It wasn't you or your fault so don't, you don't need to, it's okay, I know what happened, I know why... I don't blame you"

"I blame myself" I admitted.

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong, they're here for no reason, at least not for you, my brother"

I just shrugged my shoulders and disagreed. I had every reason to feel guilty and I was going to live forever with it. I didn't want Matt to be dragged into this, this was my fault and my problem, no one else's but still, he was dragged into it and it wasn't fair or right. If I could go back, fix everything, I would. I'd at least stop Matt from seeing me drink my first meal, so he'd never know.

I'd have followed my original plan, packed up and left before it was too late, found a city or a country with a low population, live in the middle of nowhere, so I wouldn't be harmful to anyone, any living creature.

If I had, would Matt have been hurt? Would he have seen a monster? I didn't think so, he saw it all because of me, suffered it all because of me, my actions got him hurt, me being what I am, hurt him and no doubt, would hurt him again. I didn't want to lose him, it was too late to turn back now but I didn't want him to be involved, to see the monster I'd become... that wasn't fair, it was cruelty, to make him witness that, the blood, the fangs, the monster within all out in the open for him to see... it wasn't right, I couldn't do that, not without wanting to scream as loud as I could, just to stop it.

"I'm sorry" I whispered as I turned away from him.

"Jack, listen to me. Whatever you're feeling, it's good to feel, don't shut it out, don't stop feeling it because it hurts, you'll only become a monster if you do that, if you shut everything and everyone out, so don't, don't do it... stay here, my brother, feel something, anything"

"I don't want to hurt you or anyone else" I whispered.

"Then don't. If you bite and kill someone, you'll never stop, you'll never be able to" Matt whispered.

"I don't want to, but I know what they're like, my... people in general" I whispered in case Lena could hear.

"Fight your nature, Jack, don't give in, don't be like the others, be stronger, better than they are... be my brother"