Artificial Water

Chapter 12🥀

Kyungsoo

When Jongin returned I noticed his eyes were red and his cheeks pink from the cold outside. Chanyeol told me he would talk to Jongin and then go home, so we were alone again. I didn't understand what had happened and Jongin only apologised without an explanation. It made me feel unwanted. I watched how he walked past me to his bedroom, but before he could open the door I called his name. He turned around and I asked, "don't you want to finish your food?"

He shook his head but I wasn't ready to let him go. "You should eat."

"I'm not hungry anymore." He licked his lips and sighed before opening the door.

"Don't walk away," I suddenly spoke. "Please."

He stayed in the same position and I slowly raised from my chair and walked over to him. He was obviously hurt and I wanted to take his pain away. He was holding the handle so firmly his knuckles turned white. I was quite surprised to see him this way. He always acted like a strong person and now he looked so vulnerable.

Fully led by my emotions I placed my palm against his shoulder blade and slowly moved it upwards until it reached his shoulder. Just this simple touch made me want more and before I realised it I had pressed my cheek against his back with my eyes closed.

"I don't want to end up like my dad," Jongin suddenly spoke, his voice vibrating through his whole body. "I'm scared of it."

I wondered if he just wanted to talk or that he needed me to speak. When he kept silent I decided it was the last and asked, "why?"

"He's an asshole that can't keep his hands where they should be. My mother knows and she acts like it's something that just happens. Like it's not his fault. She should know better and tell him to get out, but somehow she told herself that it would make it worse." Jongin let go of the handle and instead took my hand in his. "He goes out almost every night to go to other woman because he says he's unhappy and no one can take that away, but he keeps trying. Do you think that's fair?"

I wasn't expecting a question and when it came I was unprepared. He let go of my hand and turned around. "I don't know why I told you this."

Instead of answering I decided to ask a question, "why are you afraid you will be?"

He didn't immediately answer and I hoped I didn't ask the wrong question, but he replied with, "because I have never been in love Soo. I did date but it was all very disappointing and instead of breaking up I looked at different people behind their backs. I never went far into the relationships cause I didn't trust myself and it was unfair. I hate it so much, no one truly made me feel any better. He ruined our family and I won't forgive him for it, I'm scared I'll do the same."

When I didn't say anything he added, "I don't expect you to get it."

"But I do," I quickly spoke, hoping he wouldn't walk away. "I don't know how it feels because it's not about me, but I can understand."

Jongin glanced at me and I had the feeling he was trying to see if I was lying. "You still didn't answer my question."

I blinked in surprise and needed a moment to comprehend what he meant. "I don't think it's fair to chase your own happiness at the expense of someone else. Don't let it control your life, Jongin. If you are concentrating on it you'll see every little detail and of course no one is perfect but don't let the imperfection seal the deal. I think that when you truly love someone it doesn't matter."

"Look at you," Jongin took a step back and bit his lip. "Telling me how it is."

"I didn't mean anything-"

"I know," he said, cutting me of. "But I do not know why I told you about it. You are the one not trusting me, hell, you don't even tell me your own name." He turned around and walked back into the kitchen, taking a drink out of the fridge. "I fucking saved your life while I didn't know what drove you towards it. You even laugh with Chanyeol like nothing's wrong. You push me away when I touch you but pull me towards you when you need it. Where's the fairness?"

I didn't want to say anything that could make him angry, so I settled on, "I am sorry for doing that."

"You don't get it, do you?" Jongin took a swig from his drink before putting the bottle down on the counter a bit too hard, making it sound like he wanted to make a statement.

"I don't know what I should get," I admitted and rubbed the back of my neck while waiting for him to speak again.

"You really think that you can step into someone's life to fix your own problems, right?" He didn't wait for me to answer and just continued talking. "For how long do you wanna stay? Until you graduated? And then? What's next? Ever thought about that?"

I shook my head, cause I had not. If there was something that I had learned from living with my mother it was to think ahead. I always had to do everything when she decided she needed to step back again. But this situation wasn't planned, nor could I have even thought ahead of it. It should've ended that day, but Jongin interfered my plans. It all happened without me realising it and now I didn't want to leave anymore.

"You might have left your problems behind, but you never thought about mine and how you are making them harder." Jongin picked the bottle up again and walked past me to get into his room.

I didn't know what he meant and it kept swirling around in my head when I sat down to finish the food on my plate. After that it kept bugging me when I put Chanyeol's leftovers on Jongin's plate and then in the fridge. I opened the door to the bedroom and noticed Jongin was laying on the bed with his eyes closed. I couldn't know for sure if he was asleep but the fact he didn't react could mean he was either ignoring me or indeed asleep. I stripped down to my underwear and searched for the shirt he gave me to wear at night, putting it on once I found it. I slipped under the covers and turned so I could look at him breathing peacefully, the hurt not fully vanished from his face.

"I'm sorry for not understanding you," I whispered into the night. "I hope I can one day. Please let me."

I moved a bit closer to try and get a bit more warmth but I didn't expect Jongin to turn on his side and wrap his arms around me. The same feeling as every time we hugged washed over me and I sighed contently. He didn't say anything and he didn't have to. It was good this way.