Everything Seventeen

Soonyoung (Hoshi)

I sat on my bed, cross-legged. I held the stuffed hamster doll close to my chest, hugging it tightly to suppress the pain in my chest. Every time I looked at the hamster, I would see him and my heart would sink deeper. I missed Soonyoung so much.

He had just ended his world tour which was long enough. Shortly after, his group was already preparing for their comeback. He had practice just about every day. On some days, he would be practising for 24 hours without returning home. There are some days he would just sleep in the dorm since it was nearer to the company building. I barely got to see him. He would return when I was fast asleep and leave early too.

However, these days, because I missed him so much, I ended up staying up late that night. It was that night that I was still up when he returned home. I was too caught up in my thoughts that I did not hear the sound of keys and the front door opening. So it took me by surprise when the room door flew open.

Soonyoung's exhausted figure paused at the doorway. His eyes flew wide open.

"Carat? You're still awake?" he wondered out loud as he dragged himself towards me.

He dropped his bag at the edge of the bed as he walked past it. He sat at the edge of the bed where I was on. He noticed the pain in my forced smile and how tightly I was hugging the stuffed hamster doll. Although he was tired, he paid his attention to me and asked me what was wrong.

My mouth was tightly shut. I could not say a word. How could I tell him I miss him without thinking how much it would burden him? I tried my hardest to suppress my aching heart that missed him so that I would not bother him. I had to support him, not distract him. It was one major con of dating an idol, especially if he played an integral role in his group.

I was afraid too. Afraid that if I spoke, I would cry. I did not want to cry in front of him. I wanted to show him I was fine despite him being extremely busy. So I kept silent, not answering his question.

"You can't sleep?" he asked.

I nodded.

"You're thinking about something, that's why you can't sleep?" he asked another question.

I nodded again.

"It's me, isn't it? If you miss me, you can just say so," he mentioned, a sweet smile on his face.

He wrapped his arms around me. At that moment when I felt his warmth, I broke into tears. I sat still in tears while he hugged me. He saw me crying and wiped my tears. He removed the doll from my arms and hugged me, rubbing my back. All I could do was cry.

My body never listened to me. I told myself not to cry yet I was crying a river at the moment. Great, I was going to be a burden to him now that he knew it hurt me when he was too busy.

"There, there. It's ok to miss me. I have been busy these days so you missing me is reasonable. Just hang in there. Soon, this will be over and I can be around more often. I miss you too so we're both struggling," he said to me softly.

I nodded. He let go of me, held my shoulders and looked me in the eye with an encouraging smile. Then he kissed me.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too, "I said back to him, still sobbing.

He wiped the tears from my face with the back of his hand.

"Please, smile. I miss your smile. Your smile gives me the energy to keep going," he mentioned.

He pulled up the sides of my mouth to make me smile. He succeeded in making me smile and I laughed. I missed his bright personality so much. His smile widened and he gave me another hug that caused me to fall back on the bed. He got up, laid down beside me on the other side of the bed and continued hugging me.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke up.

"I'll probably be gone by the time you wake up and you'll miss me all over again. Just know that whenever I wake up, I'll spend a minute gazing at you and thanking God for blessing me with you. Then, right before I leave, I'll always make sure to give you a kiss on the forehead," he said while gazing at me.

Before we fell asleep, he told me he would blow up my phone with texts, calls and selfies from tomorrow onwards during his break time. He was not kidding when he said "blow-up". He could do so much during his 5-minute breaks. During meals, he would text me then give me a video call.

"You cooked fish?! No kidding! Give me some!" he exclaimed during a video call while I ate dinner without him.

I took a piece of fish with a chopstick and held it up to my phone screen, pretending to feed him. He acted as if he was fed too and pretended to chew.

"Wah! It's so yummy! Your cooking's the best!" he remarked.

I giggled. He laughed upon seeing the smile spread across my face.

"But seriously, please cook me fish once promotions are over. You cook fish well," he requested.

"FISH? I HEARD FISH! YAH, CARAT! PLEASE COOK FISH FOR US TOO!" Seungcheol shouted as he popped up behind Soonyoung.

I laughed as Soonyoung vigorously shook his head.

"Yeah, sure! When promotions are over, invite the group over and I'll cook for you all," I agreed to Seungcheol's request meant as a joke.

"Seriously? There's 13 of us, though," Seungcheol asked in shock.

I nodded.

"Why? You don't think I'm capable? I'm serious," I confirmed with a smile.

The leader announced it to the team and they all thanked me. Soonyoung sighed.

"You are so nice. I love you so much," he grinned.

"I love you too," I blew a kiss to him.

He looked away then back at me. He had to carry on with practice. He waved me farewell before ending the call. I placed the phone on the table. I stared at the fish that I was almost done eating. 1 thought went through my mind:

How do you cook a fish dish for a total of 14 people?