These Dreams

Depression

LENA POV

Depression was all I felt inside of me and never knew it could be this bad. Ever.  Since being back in Ohio and being on pain meds for my ulcer the only person I wanted was Stef.  I wanted her more than life itself as my young teen heart felt as if it would rip open and die for her.  It just might and the only thing keeping me afloat were her letters. But sometimes they made me cry especially the recent one she mailed along with a package that had her bon jovi tee shirt in it. Even I knew that was her favorite shit and mine as I wore it many times when I slept over her place even if sometimes I had been naked.  That shirt meant so much to the both of us and it was the same one she wore my first day of school at Hoover High when someone knocked my tray over and she had been kind enough to help me.

Holding it up to my nose by this time it had been stained with my tears as I slept on it each night taking in her scent. Sometimes it was the only thing that got me to sleep for nothing else really could as I looked to her letter again smiling at it along with the photo of the two of us. California seemed like a million miles away and my life with her as well. Sure I knew we are just teenangers and knew nothing about love or life according to my mother but we were more. Much more and I loved Stef and there was no one like her in this world. And if there was I didn't want to know them.

There really was no pain like the pain my heart was feeling. It was far worse than the ulcer that was leaving me to remain in bed to heal up. Doctors said it was the stress from my father's passing, moving and just everything else combined including the disaster school year I had here in Ohio.  My mother of course was blaming California and Stef which was infuriating me to no end and was saying my reckless behavior there caused it. She didn't understand. Not one bit and if anything Stef had saved me. She had saved my heart, my pain and the chronic heartache I felt from losing my father. She had for many nights and days she just let me talk about him to no end and she was really the only person I was ever able to really talk to about it. Sometimes we sat on her roof or at the beach for hours sharing a smoke and a drink thinking about it all. Occasionally she teared up as well as I felt her hand inside of mine holding it tight as I played with her crimped hair smelling the salty ocean air.

"I love you." I said as she glanced to me smiling softly the wind blowing her hair all over.

"I love you too baby." Leaning in she kissed me softly and by this time we didn't give a crap who saw us. Not at all.

It was true as I sniffed her shirt tears falling from my eyes. I loved her so much and no one had a right to tell us any different. No one had a right to tell our young teens what to feel, how to feel and what we should feel. No one.  And if I had not gotten so sick on the road she would never have had to take me back.  Never and we had left for many reasons for my mother was going to split us up and it wasn't even her in the end that did it. It was my own health. That hurt more than anything as I would always remember the time Stef and I spent on the road together no matter how short lived it was. Very short lived and it was on that trip she gave me something so special that I would never in life take off.

FLASHBACK

"Baby I know it's just some shitty ass motel but it will be alright for tonight. I'll stay up all fucking night if I need to watch the door." She said as we walked into our motel room that looked like a dump but it was all we could afford. Feeling her grab my hand I turned to look at her as her face looked worried.

"I love it and it's ours for tonight."

"Yeah? You love it? Don't shit me this place is shit."

"I'm not. As long as you are here I don't care what it looks like. Honest."

"Well we won't sleep on those sheets that's for fucking sure."

"Ok. But can we sleep naked?" I asked grinning as she returned it laughing.

"Um yeah." Wrapping my arms around her neck she smiled once again at me as I felt her press her lips against mine. 

"Ok. We can pretend we are married."

"Married? Whoa??"

"Yes. I can make um something for us. Like for dinner and pretend I'm your wife and you just got home from work. Unless you... I mean...you probably think it's dumb." Putting my hands down she grabbed them looking in my eyes.

"Hey. I'd like that. Pretending we are married it's not dumb at all.  I told you I wanted to marry you baby one day. You know that and one day I fucking would for sure babe. The whole idea use to freak me out but not anymore because of you. And because of you I'm gonna follow in my aunts and dad's footsteps. Then you know get a job and you can be in college. We can have an apartment."

"You are so sweet. I love you."

"Yeah I love you too. Here hold this for me." She said taking the necklace off her aunt had given her. "I want you to have this."

"I can't your aunt gave you that. Stef...

"Baby I love you. Incase, you know if we aren't together for whatever reason even if it's for a week or a day. I need you to have it keep it for me, hold on to it for me because I want you to know that I would always come back to you. No matter what." Feeling tears fall down my eyes I rubbed the pendant as she leaned in kissing me once again and putting the necklace on for me. "For you my wife." Winking at me I blushed so hard as the 16 year old smile grew wider on our faces.

FLASHBACK ENDS

To this day I had not taken that pendate off and would never. Ever as I drifted off to sleep with tears in my eyes once again missing Stef more than life itself. It wasn't this ulcer that was going to do me in it was my broken heart.

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