This Desolate Existence (boy x boy) COMPLETED

Part 1

A/N: Hello, my lovely cookies! I've got another yaoi story for you all! I'm not sure how this is going to go, so bear with me. I'll try to update often, seeing as how I'm on break from college now. If I don't keep up with it, you're all welcome to yell at me! Don't know if there will be smut in this, although I think it adds to the story. Let me know what you think as the story progresses! Enjoy!

My name is Tamaka Ranmaru. We've been at war since before I was born. It isn't a choice that I have to fight. Anyone old enough has to be a soldier. They claim we're saving the world by fighting, but we're just sent to die. We are only kids, after all. The world is slowly dying along with us. The only reason I live is to be a sacrifice in hopes we'll win this war. I'm thrown onto the front lines and I'm not sure if I'll survive. There is no glory or heroism in battle, there's only death. I just want this war to end so the deaths will stop. I can't even count how many people I've seen die in front of my eyes. Some of them are only ten years old, but their deaths are considered "honorable." There's nothing honorable about it.

We die simply so our king can sit safely in his castle. Nobody even remembers how this war started or why it's continuing. I believe it's only because two rival kings didn't like each other so they started fighting and never stopped. Kings are selfish and the rest of us are forced to pay for it. I don't know if this war will end, but if it does, there won't be many people left. I've already lost everybody I ever cared about. Now, as the Colonel of the army, I try my best to keep as many of the poor kids alive. If I become General, I may be able to stop it. I don't want them to have to go through what I did. The things I saw as a kid tore me apart. But this is far in the future. I don't really know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning, I guess. The day I became old enough to become a soldier.

***

It's my tenth birthday today. Although my parents and I always celebrate it, this time it's a somber occasion. I'm old enough to join the army and fight. Although I can't see their faces, I know my parents are giving me sad looks. Hardly any parents see their children again when they join. I know my parents are worrying for me and -to be honest- I'm terrified, too. I don't want to die, I've barely even gotten to live. But this is something I have to do. 

At school, we're trained for this very day. They make us run a lot and teach us how to use swords properly. We learn our weaknesses and our strengths. My parents tell me that school used to teach you about history, math (whatever that is), science, and lots of other things. I can't even imagine that. All of the boys end up joining the army after their tenth birthday, but the girls only learn these skills to defend their homes. The only reason my father is here is because he got seriously injured during a particularly bloody battle and now he can barely walk, let alone fight. I'm just glad he's not dead, like most other fathers. 

There's a knock on the front door. Father gives Mother a glance before she gets up and answers it. A soldier is standing on the other side with an envelope in his hand. He mutely hands it to my mother before bowing respectfully and leaving. She closes the door and leans her head on it before rejoining us at the supper table. She lays the envelope on the table and simply stares, afraid to open it. Father reaches over and opens it himself. He carefully scans what's written on it.

He glances at Mother before turning to me. "Ranmaru, I think you know what this means."

I nod. "Of course, Father."

He sighs heavily. "You will depart tomorrow for the base. You are to bring only the clothes on your back and your sword."

"I understand."

Mother begins sobbing and she yanks me into a crushing hug. "Rei, we can't!" she screams at Father.

"Aika, don't do this. You know we have to give him up."

"He's my son! My only son!"

"I know," Father replies, tears in his eyes. "But we have no choice."

"No, no, no, no, no! Please no!" She's sobbing uncontrollably as she rests her head on mine. I can feel her body shaking, but I don't know how to calm her down.

"Aika, please..." Father tries. However, she's inconsolable at this point. I wrap my arms around her waist, hoping I can somehow comfort her.  

Not knowing what else to do, I speak, "It's ok, Mother. I'll come back to you, I swear." It's an empty promise, but it's all I can do.

"How can you promise that, Ranmaru?" she wonders.

"Because I've never broken a promise to you, have I? And I won't start now. No matter what I have to do, I'll come back."

She gives me a watery smile. "It's not much, but I'll take it. Please stay as safe as possible, Ranmaru. Don't take an stupid risks, ok?"

"I won't, Mother."

She glances out the window at our neighbors. "Tobio will be joining you, won't he?"

The thought of my best friend tears at my heart. He's such a kind person. I follow her gaze. "Yes. His birthday was also today."

"I wonder how his mother is taking it."

"Probably no better than you," I respond.

"We should get some rest. The carriage will be here early to pick you up, Ranmaru, and you have a long trip ahead of you." Mother's breath hitches, but she holds her tears back for now. Tomorrow will be heartbreaking enough.

"Yes, we should. Goodnight, mother. Goodnight, father."

"Sleep well, son," Father replies.

"Don't let the bedbugs bite," Mother adds. I feel a pang in my heart. She always says that when I retire to my bed. What will I do when I can't hear her soothing voice reassuring me that there are no monsters in the night? What will I do without her calming embrace to make me feel safe and warm anymore? Tomorrow the carriage comes for all the boys in the village who turned ten in the past two weeks to take us to the camp. Filled with terror and helplessness, I do something I haven't done since I was really young: I climb into my parent's bed to sleep. In the morning, I'll be saying goodbye to the people who gave birth to me, permanently.