This Desolate Existence (boy x boy) COMPLETED

Part 12

A/N: Warning, sensitive content ahead. Extreme depression and mentions of self-harm. If these things make you uncomfortable, don't read. You probably won't miss much if you skip this chapter. If you're self-harming or extremely depressed, I'm always available to talk. Please don't hurt yourself. 

We keep running for a while until those of us that are injured can't go any farther. I don't feel anything, not pain or weakness. Nothing. Corporal finally lets me go when he realizes I'm not going to run back. He makes me sit down and starts tending to my wound. I don't even feel his hands pushing on it.

"It's not too bad...missed everything important...should heal up soon..." he mumbles to himself. Then, he goes to treat the others. I simply sit there, staring back where we came from and silently crying.

Yayoi walks up to me, the only one who knew how I felt about Shuhei before I did. "How are you holding up, Ran?"

I stare up at him. "How do you think, Yayoi? I was so stupid. You knew how I felt before I did. And because of my stupidity, he died not knowing."

Yayoi's eyes are filled with sorrow as he sits beside me. "You're not stupid. You were being careful and taking the time to make sure you knew what you were feeling. That's actually pretty smart."

My eyes are blank when I look at him. "I never got to tell him how I felt. And I never knew how he felt. Now, he's dead. That's not smart. That's childish idiocy."

Yayoi breaks eye contact. "Maybe. Listen, I'm sorry, Ran. I really am. I can't even imagine how you're feeling." I squeeze my eyes shut. He holds out a hand. "If you ever need it, it's always going to be right here." My heart breaks again as Yayoi walks away. Shuhei was my strength, he was what kept me going. Hearing his voice calmed me down and thinking about his eyes kept the nightmares away. Feeling his body heat chased the cold away. Without him, I'm nothing. I'm lost in the cold and dark without him. He was my everything and I didn't even know it. You never know what you have until it's gone; a quote has never been so true before.

"Alright, we'll rest here for tonight. In the morning, we're heading back to base. The General needs to know what happened here. And there's no way we can win this fight against such experienced soldiers." I want to stay and kill every last one of them, the ones who took my love from me. I don't even care if I died during it. But I know Corporal won't let me. He'd think it's pointless and maybe it would be. Who am I to know? I can't see the future, I'm not superhuman.

I'm laying in my tent, with bodies pressed close to me. However, I've never felt more alone than I do now. Shuhei was always nearby, if not next to me then in another tent not far away. The pain in my heart hurts so bad, I don't know how I'll be able to stand it. I can barely even function. How am I supposed to change the world, when I often miss conversations without realizing it? How can I do anything when Shuhei is all I think about? How can I see the changes I'll make when my vision is constantly obscured by tears? I can't stop thinking about all the times we sang together.

The songs we sang to make Hiroji feel stronger. The ones we sung to cheer ourselves up. I can still see his fingers strumming his guitar. I can still hear his singing voice echoing in my head. I glance at his guitar, which is mine now, and blink away tears. How can I keep living and being happy in this desolate existence? Where there's nothing left to live for? How can I keep fighting when I'm too weak to do anything? How can I keep lifting my sword when I can no longer feel my fingers? Everything is numb. 

As we start our return journey to our base, I gaze at the sky. A storm is coming, but all I can see are his eyes. Those bottomless blue-gray orbs. My own dark eyes spill forth their grief. They say everything that my mouth can't. I want to scream and beat my fists at the injustice of the world, but I can't. So my eyes do all of that for me with a deafening silence. Why must the world be so cruel? Why couldn't I just be happy? Why is it that whenever I find something important, I always lose it? Why can't I hold onto anything in my life?

I begin singing quietly to myself. "I'm slowly falling in, it seems I cannot win. No matter what I do, it seems nothing is true. I need to be saved, before a monster is made.

"I can't be free, I'm slowly losing me. I'm falling in the abyss, I won't be missed. I won't be me anymore, if I lose the war.

"I try to fight back, but I've lost the track. I can't even make a mark, because I'm lost in the dark. I can't find a trace, of any other face. 

"I can't be free, I'm slowly losing me. I'm falling in the abyss, I won't be missed. I won't be me anymore, if I lose the war.

"I reach out to the air, but no one's ever there. I'm losing my mind, because of what I can't find. I'll never be free, from the war inside of me. 

"I can't be free, I'm slowly losing me. I'm falling in the abyss, I won't be missed. I won't be me anymore, if I lose the war. I can't be free, I'm slowly losing me. I'm falling in the abyss, I won't be missed. I won't be me anymore, if I lose the war. I'm falling inside. I'm losing myself. I'm losing. I've lost the war." I finish the song with my eyes closed. 

I see Yayoi glance at me worriedly. Apparently, I wasn't as quiet as I'd thought. Tobio also gives me a sad look. I don't care anymore. There's only one face I want to see gazing at me like that. And he's long gone now. He's left me and gone to where I can't touch him anymore. At least Hiroji's with his twin now, wherever they are. Now I understand how he was feeling. If you're left in this horrible world alone, wouldn't you want to join your loved ones? What's even left for me here? More pain? I don't want that. Maybe I should just end it. At least I'd be with Shuhei again.

Tobio's beside me. I vaguely wonder when he got there. "How are you doing, Ran?" he asks. I stare at him. Did he really just ask me that? "Oh, stupid question. You do remember that we're here for you? Your friends will always be here for you. Please let us help you, Ran. Let us take some of the pain away."

How? How can you take this pain away? How can you possibly make it better? Can you bring him back? Can you give him back to me, whole? Can you make me forget about him? Forget that he ever existed? Looking at Tobio's face, I register that I said all these things aloud.

"No, I can't. But I can give you all the strength I have so you can get through this." With a painful look on his face, Tobio picks up his pace and leaves me behind. Yuzu starts talking to him, probably wondering about me. Even Ibiki looks distressed, something he'd probably deny if you pointed it out. How can I rely on them? They'll just die on me, too. I'll lose everyone I care about, because I've been cursed. I must have done something terrible in my last life and this is my punishment. What could I have done to cause this misfortune? I should just end my life so I don't get anyone else killed.