Yours Truly, Camila (Camren Fanfic)

September 23, 2014 (II)

11:43 pm. That was the time registered on the digital clock up on the counter of the emergency room. It had nearly been twenty-five minutes since we arrived there with Dinah who was still knocked out. My grandma stayed home since the ambulance only allowed one other person to ride with them. Before leaving, I instructed my grandma to call Dinah's parents and inform them of what had happened.

I sat in the same chair in the waiting room, pondering what had just happened. I ignored the fact that the feeling was all too familiar because I wanted to focus on Dinah's well-being. I waited for another ten minutes until the doctor whom I was greeted with upon arrival to the emergency room finally came. "Your friend suffered a mild concussion, but she should be waking up soon. Her head might still be throbbing when she wakes up so, take it easy on her. I will speak more about it when her parents arrive." A feeling of relief rushed through me. The doctor instructed me where Dinah's room was in which I hurried over to find. Consequent to me practically sprinting to find Dinah's room; a large figure, who seemed like a paramedic, came crashing against my figure causing me to fall on my bottom. This is when all the memories returned back to me. Memories that I so longed to forget.

Friday, February 10, 2012,

I got into a debate with my mom that night. I had plans to go to a party with Dinah and Ally, but my mom insisted that I needed to babysit Sofi that day due to a short notice business trip that her and my dad were called upon to go to. I argued that they could call my grandma to come over and watch Sofi, but she insisted that it was too late and she didn't want to wake grandma up at this time of the night. I must have spoken some harsh words to my mom because I remember my dad saying, "Mija, there will be other parties for you to attend. There is no need for you to argue with your mother like this." I don't remember what I had said to my mom. I don't know if it's that I don't remember or if my memory decided to completely block out the negative words that I had spoken considering what was to follow became worse.

"I know this is against your will, but I want you to know that we are thankful for you doing this." My mom said before walking out the door. "See you in the morning. We love you." A phrase that I did not reciprocate back.

Sofi slept soundly that night and so, I decided that it would be okay for me to sneak out to go to the party as planned and come home at around 4 in the morning, plenty of time before mom and dad would get home. I arrived at the party a little over midnight and of course, had the time of my life. I danced, talked, met new people, and did whatever else that a regular teenager does at a party. Though, all this was cut short when I checked my phone. Three missed calls from my dad, seven missed calls from my mom and four messages:

"On our way back home. Boss canceled the trip."

"Where are you?"

"Why would you leave Sofi by herself? You are in big trouble."

"We are on our way there." My heart fell to the ground. This was the first time I had ever snuck out or got into this much trouble before. I knew my life was gonna be over, but little did I know, so were my parents'.

After moments of panic, my phone buzzed in my back pocket in which I answered, thinking it was my mom. I remember how all I could say was "I'm sorry. Please don't come. Ally can take me home." But my apology was met by another voice whom I wasn't familiar with.

The masculine voice stated my parents' names and asked if I were related to them. He went on to describe the car they were occupying; I guess to make sure he was talking to the right person. "They were driving a black 2013 Honda Civic Accord." I agreed, confirming that I am their daughter, still confused. "Sorry to inform you, but there has been a terrible car accident that was reported forty-five minutes ago that sent the passengers of the car driving off the bridge of Route 13. We need you to come down here as soon as possible."

At that point, my head went to a million places. I had Ally take me to where the man had instructed me to go and had Dinah come to my house to check on Sofi. Upon arrival, I remember seeing the flashing red, blue, and white lights along with the yellow caution tape around what seemed to be a crime scene. After that, all I could remember was succumbing in Ally's arms as the man spoke the words, "I am deeply sorry to inform you, but the passengers of the car have passed away due to the car accident. Investigators and a medical examiner are looking into what exactly happened and we will contact you as soon as we find out more about the accident."

I guess I may have blacked out because the next memory that I could recall was waking up in my room. It was quiet that day, only the small sobs from the hallway were audible and that is when I saw my grandma talking to Sofi. I remember just watching them from my room, not making a sound, just staring. I went back to my bed and sat there. Later, I heard footsteps approach my room as my grandma walked in and held me tight. With tears running down her face, she then explained how the medical examiner confirmed that my dad passed away from hitting his head on the steering wheel when the car came crashing into the barricade alongside the bridge. My mother who was trapped in the car ran out of oxygen and drowned. Reports explained how my father was going twenty miles an hour over the speed limit and this caused him to lose control of the car, driving it off the bridge.

For months to come, I stayed mute. I had no plans in talking to anyone. It had been as if I had flipped off a switch. Sometimes, Sofi would come in my room to play with her toys, but I just watched her.  I remember Dinah and Ally coming over when they had the chance. They would tell me stories about their days at school but I remained silent, shutting off whatever was spoken to me. I was alive, but I wasn't living. It was almost as if I were in a coma, only awake.

My grandma then thought it would b a good idea to get me a therapist, but that was the last thing I wanted. The therapist would ask me questions about how I was feeling and if I knew where I was at that moment. She expressed how she was there to help me. In response, I remained mute.

Though, I remember the day when I decided to finally turn the switch back on. Dinah was over my house that day. I recall looking out my window and seeing Sofi running in the backyard when she tripped and hurt herself. I witnessed my younger sister crying for help and that's when I rushed out of my room to the backyard and held onto Sofi telling her it was okay. Dinah and my grandma soon followed and when Sofi finally calmed down, my grandma held her to her feet and took her back in the house.

I sat there on the grass as I felt Dinah's eyes on me. A tear ran down my face followed by another. Soon, my body was trembling. It was the first time that I had let out a cry ever since my parents passed away. I cried a lot. I blamed myself, I still do. If I hadn't snuck out, my parents would have never had to drive to the party to retrieve me. My dad would have never had to speed to get to me. If I had just listened, they would have still been alive.

I think the worst part of it all is I never got to say goodbye or say "I love you too," one last time. They will never get to see me graduate. Or see me fall in love, or get married, or have children of my own. I will never get to see them again. Not only did I take that opportunity away from them, but I took an opportunity from Sofi. Sofi will never be able to show them her future accomplishments or tell them stories about her life. I know Sofi doesn't blame me like I blame myself; she's young and may not understand things the way I do. But it scares me to think that one day, Sofi will wake up hating me. That she will resent me for taking these opportunities away from her.

I know my therapist will probably disagree with what I am saying now. She said I had made a lot of progress in not blaming myself for what happened, but I just have to say it. If it were to happen, if Sofi grows to hate me; I think I would accept it. I wouldn't defend myself. Sometimes I think that maybe it would be better for everyone to hate me because it is my fault that they're gone. That maybe it would be a lot easier for people to despise me than for them to condemn my actions.

Yours Truly,

Camila