Yours Truly, Camila (Camren Fanfic)

February 26, 2015

Dear Friend,

I went back to school Monday. Today is now Thursday. For the past four days, it's been very customary. My days in school are as follows, me sitting down on a chair, listening for hours, doing work, and waiting to hear the bell to proceed to my next class until finally going home. During the classes that I have with Lauren and my friends, I've been socializing which you can say is progress, but I don't see it that way. I would maybe utter two words when it comes down to it, five the most. I know that they know something is up, but I think they're too afraid to speak up and see me snap or walk out of the room again.

Dinah, Ally, and Normani have tried texting me because I guess that's easier than confronting me in person about my problems but they stopped after I hadn't replied to them at all. It's not that I'm ignoring them on purpose, I really just haven't been checking on my phone. I only found out that they've been texting me every day since the weekend, today.

Lauren has tried to talk to me multiple times, but I refused. She's gone as far as going to my house every day since Monday, but all she was met with was my grandma delivering her a message from me saying that I don't want to talk at the moment. I guess my grandma informed her what was going on with me because today, she came upstairs to where my room was, but of course, my door was locked, disabling her from coming in.

"Camz," Lauren called, knocking on my door. I didn't answer. I wanted to pretend as though I were asleep, but my tricks didn't work on Lauren. "I know you can hear me and you don't have to answer or even open the door, but can you please just listen to what I have to say?" Still, I remained silent but listened to her words. "I know you're in a bad place right now and I know you miss them. But like we've talked about before, you have to keep moving forward. There are so many people that love you and are here for you. We all hate seeing you like this. Just like how I don't think your parents would want to see you feeling this way." Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as I tried to remain silent, but I know Lauren could hear me sobbing as the sound of sobs also now forming in her voice. "I miss talking to you. I miss hearing your laugh. I miss your smile." Lauren took a pause, her sobs soft, but still imminent through the wooden door, "Just know that I love you and I'm here for you okay?"

"Lauren?" I called out quietly but loud enough her to hear.

"Yes, Camz?"

"Lauren, you need to go, okay?" I demanded sternly, my voice cracking after each word. "I don't want you here so please just leave. I don't want you to come back tomorrow or the day after that or ever." I didn't mean what I said, but it's what I thought would be best. For Lauren. This was the only way that I knew she would leave. The only way that I could be no longer a burden to her. Even though Lauren has never said it, I knew I was a heavy weight on her shoulders. She has taken on my own problems that it's now affecting her dramatically. "Lauren, you can't fix me. I can't fix myself. You just have to go, please."

"Camila, I'm not trying to fix you," Lauren declared, her crying now more audible. "I love you and-"

"No, Lauren. Stop saying that!" My words seemingly as hurtful to myself as it was to Lauren. "I don't want you here, is that so hard for you to understand?" I yelled.

"If you really mean what you're saying right now then open the damn door and say it to my face," Lauren declared. I wiped the tears from my face, trying to stop myself from crying so I could open the door and formulate actual words.

"Are you happy now?" I asked as I opened the door and stepped out the room, my heart shattering at the sight of Lauren whose eyes were red and swollen, tears visible on her face.

"Camz," Lauren spoke, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Please don't push me away," she cried.

"You have to stop Lauren," I said, trying my hardest not to let a single tear slide down my face, but failing miserably. "You can't keep coming to my rescue. You have to take care of you," I told her sincerely.

Ever since my breakdown at the library, Lauren has gotten more concern about me than anyone probably ever has. She's gone through measures such as missing softball practice to try and see me every day after school. I've also heard the conversations of some of the girls from the softball team as they spoke on Lauren's recent decline in her softball skills. I knew it was because of me. I love Lauren, I do, but I also want what's best for her. And I'm not what is best for her. I'm a problematic mess and she deserves so much more than I could give her. If Lauren were to continue with how she is now, she could lose her softball scholarship and that's the last thing both of us would want.

"But I love you, Camila. I want to be here for you. I want to take care of you," Lauren cried, her arms still wrapped around my neck as I stood there, not reciprocating her actions.

"Lauren, listen please," I begged her, removing her arms from my neck so we could be facing each other. I wiped the tears from her face, my hands still remaining on her now red and tear stained cheeks, "I love you too. But just like how you want what's best for me, I want what's best for you. I need some time to figure myself out, to get better. You won't admit it, but I know how much my stress has been affecting you." The tears in my eyes flowing down my face continuously as I connected our foreheads together, "Lauren we can't be together, we can't be us if there's barely any of me right now."

"Camila, no," Lauren sobbed, on the verge of hyperventilating. "I want to help you, I can help you."

"It doesn't work like that," I disagreed. "I've gotten help before, but no one person can fix what I'm feeling because only I can fix myself. Only I can recover from my own depression. I'm going to get help, Lo. As much as I want you to be the one that helps me, you have things going on in your life right now that I don't want to interfere with. I want you to do well in softball so you can go to your dream college, so you can graduate and be a teacher like you said to me before. I want you to succeed."

"Camz," Lauren tried, but her weeps getting the best of her.

"I want you to close your eyes," I instructed. "I'm going to kiss you and I want you to keep your eyes closed even when I pull away. After, that, I'm going back in my room. When you hear the door shut, I want you to open your eyes and leave. Leave not because I want you to, but because you need to. Because I need to figure myself out before we can be us again."

Lauren nodded in response as I did what I told her I was going to do. I kissed Lauren, tasting the familiar lips which now had a salty taste to it due to the tears that had touched them. It took everything in me to pull our lips apart, but I did. I hurried back to my room and shut the door. My body losing feeling as I collapsed onto the floor, leaning my back on the door. My sobs finally escaping more heavily and freely.

I wish Lauren would have added a When We Breakup track when she'd made me the mixtape she gave me for Christmas. But if you ever need a good cry or want a song to know how I'm feeling right now, then I suggest you listen to A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope.

Yours Truly,
Camila

Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter :) Have a good weekend!