"Alright miss y/n I'll leave the bed pan here for you when you are starting to feel sick and can't make it to the bathroom, would you like me to get Daniel?" I smiled at the nurses as they were setting up the rest of my room "no he doesn't like watching me get sick and I hate him seeing me like this", she gave me a small smile and walked out.
I've had cancer for about two years now, I've been in treatment for a while now but it's not looking better and Daniel comes but sits outside because I hate he has to see me as sick as I get. It's to the point that I can't even get out of bed to throw up, I can't sit up and most of the time I end up throwing up on myself.
I haven't lost my hair yet, one thing the nurses finds weird and I know Daniel wants to be there with me but it's hard and I can't stand to look at him while I look like I'm "slowly" dying in my own vomit. I love Daniel and I know he loves me but sometimes I wanna just end this all, the treatments, the pools of vomit, the lying telling him I'm getting better so he won't worry about me while he leaves me alone for two hours to visit his band mates.
I'm telling Daniel today I'm not doing this stupid treatments or living in a hospital again till I'm dying for a fact. He is going to not be happy or willing to watch me die but this is what I need and this is what I want.
It's been about an hour and a half, I've throw up 4 times in the last ten minutes, "hey y/n times up how did you do" I let out a small laugh as I tried to sit up and she rushed over to me to help, "I didn't throw up on myself if that's what you wanna know" she smiled down at me and clean up the bed pan up.
"Can you bring Daniel in here I really need to talk to him please" she looked shocked like I said I never let Daniel see me like this but right now I need him to see my point of why I can't do this anymore.
She walked out and her and Daniel walked in as he came and sat by me "Hey baby I thought you had another 20 minutes?" I went to say something back as I looked for the bed pan which was close enough and I threw up all over my pants
I had tear waiting to spill as Daniel grabbed my bed pan, and pulled my hair back as I threw up whatever my body could force up... "I'm sorry you have to see this, it's gross and not something you would like to see" he smiled down at me and grabbed me a new pair of pants.
"It's okay I love you and it's not like I haven't seen you throw up before " the nurse smiled at us and left the room as I recovered and we got ready to go. "Daniel" he turned to me and looked scared, "what's wrong baby are you going to get sick again?" I shook my head no as I patted the bed beside me.
"I don't want treatments any more, I don't think I can keep throwing up on myself or sit in pain everyday it's not right for me please be okay with it. I don't want to live in here the rest of my days, please Dani be okay with it " he was now crying a nodding his head.
"Okay baby but you have to swear to come move down to LA with me please" I nodded and smiled at him.
—
Dear y/n
It's been a year today since I've seen your face, kissed you lips, and said goodbye and that I love you one last time. I miss you dearly and I wish you were still here with my but the best things are taken too soon right? That's what you told me when I told you I didn't even want to lose you to cancer, just remember I love you still and always will babygirl
-love,
Daniel seavey ❤️
