I dreamt last night that I asked you to hold me
(words I will never say)
and in that dream there was bright sunlight and rolling hills with
a lake and soft dark stones
an open road I took you on
and when I woke there was an ache in
my chest that felt hallow and heavy
and I wanted to beg you to take it from me
I tell you I don't do long loves
and settled down living
and heaven knows that's an ugly truth that's
an ugly part of me
I know you won't get too close anyway, that
you've got your own soul to save
and I lie, I lie
I tell you I don't want anything
but, god, the way you felt
left me aching
I'm trying to be brave enough not to use
you like I use everything
not to crack you open and spit you out
the same way I ruin myself
but I'm terrified of the way you rested
your hands on me in my sleep, in
that haunting dream where we laid
on white sheets under sunlight and quiet dawn
where everything was silent and still and
the alien peace of it made me hurt
I woke in mourning
with a kind of grief I haven't known
and I know
I have to keep you at a safe distance
and let a piece of myself die
(like I do every time)
if you would just take this ache away for a
little while
YOU ARE READING
Dysphoria
Poetry"I dreamt I grew roots and sunk into deep earth, Where mud became my skin and dampened grains freckled my surface, I opened my mouth wide for the sprouting branches Leaf-speckled limbs And sunflowers blossomed from my eyes, Sunlight bled in waves, w...
