Through Chaos As It Swirls//Coldplay

Chapter Twenty Seven

chris's pov

the white walls surrounded me as again i have come to another yet dead end part of the road feeling hopeless and having no motivation.
i blinked back tears the best way possible while staring out the window of the new hotel we have arrived at.

the sun didn't shine and clouds were mashed into the scene like always reflecting on the cold streets slapped in rain. hours passed and time had basically been an entire blurry mess.

i got to my feet and stared out the window, seeing the faces of so many people who have to carry on with everything and dealing it with heading off to wherever they were going as i'm stuck here.

i allowed myself to wander around the room as empty as it was that's just as how alone i feel, it was an endless cycle of how i feel. so numb and cold without feeling anything else.

stopping my pacing i walked into to the bathroom and shut the door behind me and walked over to the bath tub and i rolled up my sleeves to see the gash wounds all faded along my arms and i closed my eyes listening to the water fill as how the noise hummed around the walls and hearing water splash into the tub i only imagine a waterfall that can turn off.

my mind was loud with so many thoughts and i was running in circles having no where to go and not being able to catch my breath almost seemed impossible as i felt echoes of mocking and laughter made my head want to explode.

my head now racing, i pace around for a few
moments removing my clothes except my underwear and carefully step into the bath i felt the water rushing as my head wouldn't quit it all and i turned off the water sinking deeper into the tub and bringing my chin to the surface.

my head kept screaming to keep going farther down in the tub as the wet waistband of my underwear a had become soaked and stuck to my skin.

my head was winning and my heart was loosing hope as my head had been closer to winning the tug of war about to make my heart fall and roll after loosing to the war.

i fully sank under water and i opened my eyes and i wanted to scream underwater but i didn't know how or why i decided to want it to end but it had too, i can't bare dealing with my life anymore it just hurts and letting down so many people is what hurts me more then the scars i have on my body.

i felt my lungs shrivel and deflate, i just can't breathe and i feel my vision begin to flicker and blacken as giving up is now my best option that's the path i must choose. my hair swirls all around me as it's so lifeless and dancing in the pool of water and my body full of my ugly scars remain painted onto my skin permanently leaving so much pain and crying left behind.

thoughts rushing to my head and sinking even deeper into the water makes me feel calmer as my vision had sparked and i'm screaming underwater i sank to the bottom of the tub not moving and remaining to where i have stayed.

for a few seconds in shock i look at the ceiling above me, the white peeing walls will be the last thing i will ever see in my entire life and it will all be gone soon.

my eyes remain on the small flaws on the ceiling such as the cracks and peeing but it still looks flawless and beautiful unless i haven't noticed it because no one else would because no one looks that hard and sees how much it needs repairing and fixing but it just can't happen.

i scream but no one can hear me as it's coming to a close and death is close yet so far. water flows down my throat as i grasp my hands onto the handle and pull myself up with the little strength i have and reaching the surface gasping and coughing for air.

i shiver feeling how weak my body is and i run my fingers through my hair i sat in a brood silence thinking of what i had just done, i hit myself so hard and didn't take the chance to just end it I had to stay.

i hug legs and bring them to my chest, wheezing at how much water that had went down my throat was an issue but i didn't want to think about what i had done and what i still continue to do myself in an endless cycle of torture.

stepping out of the tub feeing lightheaded and my vision about to black out i open the door from the bathroom and feel myself trembling with each step i take.

the closer i am to my phone i'm so much farther away and it takes so long to get to my destination, the walls are closing in on me and the ground is shaking and my knees buckle and i can't feel anything as i feel that i've collapsed to the ground, crawling wasn't an option as vomit escapes from my throat as i wrap my arms around myself shivering and the tears flow and it's all crashing down and it's all coming to an end.