How To Screw Yourself Over

Prologue: System 078

Ash was not a happy camper.

Then again, she was only ever happy when others weren't. Going out with a bang was certainly part of the plan—and she wouldn't be satisfied unless the entire world is cursing her name—but the defective product that barged into her lab derailed everything else.

The faulty thing blew up her entire fucking laboratory.

She refused to accept this. Sure, this isn't the first time her lab was blown to smithereens, but she wasn't usually blown up with her lab! She still had things to do, people to see, and nations to provoke, but nooooooo—

She had to be here, standing in front of a shivering, sniveling, shoddy A.I. that almost failed to complete the only task it's ever been assigned. Yes, she was forced to listen to its sob story. She did not enjoy the experience.

[—very apologetic, but even so, I require your assistance. This involves the fate of millions of innocent lives, so please cooperate with me peacefully.]

Thank fucking god. That repulsive, glitch-riddled, pathetic imitation of a living thing finally decided to cease its pointless jabbering. She wouldn't be able to take it much longer. But really, that thing must be more damaged than she originally speculated; there was no way she would amiably join this unrepentant and irredeemably foolish A.I. in its ridiculous quest to travel the multiverse and save each world they encounter because of its creator's hero-complex. Or something to that effect.

Besides, more importantly, "You killed me. You were the cause of my death and you still have the audacity to call for my cooperation? How shameless."

[K-Killed you? What a bold accusation. Yes, you certainly died, but you must be aware of it too—your lab blew up. You were working with very reactive, very dangerous, chemicals, so it's easy to surmise that your lab exploded because of a mistake. I fail to see my involvement with this.]

"Don't make ridiculous jokes. They're not funny, retard."

[W-What right do you have to call that? You blew up your own lab!]

"As if. I blew up my lab once when handling the same chemicals. There's no way I'd make such an amateurish blunder twice, so my death must have been caused by something else." Ash fixed the distortion with a cold smirk before speaking with dark amusement lacing her tone "I wonder what it was?"

The A.I. shook almost imperceptibly. The fact that a distortion in space itself could tremble was certainly food for thought.

"Playing dumb will only waste both my time and yours. We both know the truth. There is no point in pursuing your pitiful attempts to feign ignorance." Ash says blandly. The distortion would crack soon. Even if it didn't, she's already gotten an answer so a verbal confirmation isn't exactly necessary. It does help her vent her irritation though. Ash doesn't like unknown situations where she has no power so this is one rubbing her in all the wrong ways.

The A.I remained suspiciously quiet before it gradually began to emit odd sniffling sounds. [I'm sorry—I really didn't mean to but there was an error in my calculations so I ended up in a dangerous area and wasted a lot of energy trying to escape—]

It started crying. It almost sounds like it's sobbing.

What? Why? How does an A.I. cry to begin with? Did its creator seriously input characteristics like "weak-willed" into an A.I. meant to deal with something as heavy as rescuing worlds? How does she make it stop? It's annoying and despite her apparent death, her head is starting to hurt.

(And isn't that interesting? If she is still capable of experiencing pain when her current existence could be appropriately summed up as a soul, was pain, or the sensation defined as such, related to the soul as well as the body, or are the soul and body each a separate system that could function both simultaneously or alone? Or is it something more simple? Perhaps the pain she's feeling is self-induced, imaginary and existing only in her mind, influenced by her body's involuntary reaction to stimuli perceived as nuisances. Or maybe—)