How To Screw Yourself Over

Chapter 1.7: Poison and Pedophiles

Ash was surprised. The dragon was far more pathetic than Ash gave her credit for. The midget is currently lying prone on the forest floor, having lost yet another fight to a creature who was supposedly her equal in strength. It's been a bit over a month since they've entered the Central Forest and Ash can now brazenly proclaim her irritation and poke fun at the others without fearing the retaliation her actions may invoke.

Ash has never paid much mind to the feelings of others, but she was forced to take a more passive role in her interactions with the others to avoid any serious conflicts. Ash doesn't like being forced to do anything, even if it's mostly self-imposed and for her own safety and convenience.

So, through various unorthodox and somewhat unethical techniques, Ash powered through the stages and is now comfortably seated in the middle of the third stage. Ash no longer has to hold her tongue or watch her actions, but she can't claim to be a righteous cultivator anymore either. Even so, the little group she travels with suspects nothing. The little bastards probably think her cultivation speed is normal, considering their absurd talent and luck.

Sometimes, it seems like the world itself bends to their whims and Ash can't help but feel a bit pissed off. Sooner or later, they'll have to gain some self-awareness, but Ash won't be the one to grant them that.

Anyway, life has improved. The only downside is the midget's bitchy behavior. Ash has never been one to force herself to endure injustices, so her interactions with the midget have been quite tense. Although she finds great joy in the fact that the midget is the only one who hasn't made any significant improvement in the group, Ash has had to save the midget's sorry ass far too many times. She's getting really tired of this scene.

After Ash successfully dispatches the cause of the midget's current suffering, she turns to the injured dragon sprawled across the ground and nudges Zhi Ruo with her foot. "You still alive?"

Zhi Ruo only groans in response.

Crouching to inspect the newest additions to the dragon's ever-growing list of wounds, Ash whistles in amazement. "That beast sure did a number on you."

The dragon's got numerous claw marks, with one particularly deep one etched into the skin of her shoulder, and several notable signs of swelling where she was whacked by the panther-like creature she battled. Sighing, Ash picks up the midget and props Zhi Ruo up against one of the few still upright trees to treat her wounds. Pouring water on the dragon's injuries, Ash carelessly cleans the midget's wounds before pulling out a roll of bandages from her interspatial pouch—you wouldn't believe the things Ash found in Feng Yun's closet—and tightly bandages the still-bleeding gashes. If Zhi Ruo was human, she'd have died long ago.

When Zhi Ruo closes her eyes, Ash casually smears a clear substance onto her largest laceration before cloaking that injury with bandages as well. Ash thinks of that substance as an insurance of sorts.

The dragon isn't the most rational person and Ash knows that, even with her current prowess, she'd find it a bit difficult to keep Zhi Ruo in check if the midget refused to cooperate with her. (Because, for all her posing and posturing, Zhi Ruo is still a dragon. She may prefer to play human, but her human form is far weaker and far more delicate than her dragon form could ever be. Ash saw her switch once. She has never wanted to take apart and study anything more.)

Ash knows she isn't much of a talker; she could deceive, bluff, swindle, and mislead, but coaxing and cajoling others is not her forte. The easiest solution and the best way to eliminate a possible threat is poison. It took her a while to successfully produce a two-part toxin potent enough to incapacitate a dragon, but strange things grow in the Central Forest. When she travels towards the center of the forest, she encounters far more powerful and far more deadly specimens than she's ever seen.

However, even with her fascination, Ash isn't unreasonable, nor does she want to draw the protagonist's ire so early in the game. The negative effects of Ash's little concoction would only activate when Zhi Ruo inhales the second, gaseous half of Ash's poison. Ash's efforts may turn out to be for naught, but she'd rather be safe than sorry. She totally didn't administer the poison because she wanted more test subjects. Nope.

Finished treating the dragon, Ash gently smacks her cheek, saying "Hey, wake up."

Snapping her eyes open, Zhi Ruo glares at Ash murderously. "I wasn't asleep."

Snorting, Ash decides to graciously humor her. "That's fine, but it's punishment time."

"What are you—eeek!" The dragon releases a rather unseemly squeal as Ash throws the girl over her shoulder without any regard to her just-bandaged injuries. Quickly recovering from her shock, the midget starts pounding on Ash's back, hollering "You—release me!"

"Nope," Ash replies, completely unfazed, "you promised me I wouldn't have to interfere today, but guess what happened? You got your ass kicked again. I'd normally treat a lady better than this, but you're really trying my patience."

A bit taken aback by Ash's last comment, Zhi Ruo forgets to continue protesting for a minute. The brief moment of peace is quickly shattered when the dragon realizes what she's done and resumes her curses and demands with twice the vigor.

Pitying her eardrums and not wanting to attract the attention of any nearby magical beasts, Ash swiftly threatens to gag Zhi Ruo. The rest of the trip is blissfully silent and Ash decides to ignore the bruises that are no doubt forming on her back.

When they arrive back at camp, the dragon immediately squirms off her shoulder and rushes to sit on Liu Han's lap.

"Liu Han, Feng Yun threatened to gag me!" The midget wastes no time in selling her out.

Preparing for an extensive lecture on how to treat comrades, Ash gains a long-suffering expression and looks to Liu Han for his verdict.

With an amused expression and twinkling eyes, Liu Han holds her gaze and spits out one word: "Kinky."

Ash chokes on her spit.

Had she really corrupted him this quickly? Yin Hui stands up to pat her back and prevent her from suffocating, but Ash isn't having it. Spluttering out frenzied denials, Ash frantically spews a rebuttal. "No, no, no, no! Picking up girls is your job, not mine! I refuse to have anything to do with the absolute shit-show that is your love life! I don't have any strange preferences either! None! So, don't look at me so warily, you damn midget!"

Zhi Ruo is pissing her off. She's tiny and flat as hell, so why the fuck is she covering her chest and turning away?

"And you!" Ash points at Liu Han, who's grabbed the dragon and started pulling her behind him, "Don't feed the shitty misunderstanding!" Ash is twenty-eight on the inside and even if she wasn't, she'd still look like a pedophile!

In response to Ash's command, Liu Han drops his wary expression and bursts into laughter. After he sees how incredibly unimpressed Ash is, he finally says "Fine, fine, I give. I don't know if I can still leave you alone with Zhi Ruo though."

Barring her teeth at Liu Han, she growls out "Fucking fight me, dammit!"

Yin Hui looks as lost as ever, Zhi Ruo is still hugging her chest, and Liu Han won't stop laughing.

Ash lunges at him.

A/N: I had to rewrite the entire chapter once, so if it's still not decent enough, I give up.