The Virus

Thirty Three

Kay is losing her patience. I don't blame her. We drive all day at a snail's speed. She's a dog, she needs to run and get exercise everyday but we are always stuck in the car. It feels strange not where you are all the time. Every minute of everyday being in foreign territory. For a while, I got lost again. The familiar feeling left and I started panicking that we were well and truly lost. I just kept going, going and going. Constantly driving. In the end, I found my way back.

I pull up to a pavement and lean over to give Kay some food she accepts it willingly. I sip on a drink of water and then give Kay the rest. The only words that have left my mouth in the last few days are 'good girl' I don't talk because I don't want to. I prefer it like that right now.

I don't think either. I never think of Laurence or the school, only it's whereabouts. I don't want to make assumptions or stir emotions I just want to get there and find out what's going on. I don't think of anything but that.

After Kay is finished with her water, I pull away again. Slow as always. I pass an intersection and suddenly I know exactly where I am. I'm by my house. I speed down the road at full speed and laugh out loud when I pass the house. I turn left and then right and then speed down the next road too. I found the corner and keep going at full speed. I turn past the church and slow down as I come up to the hospital. I check for the herd.

Just to be safe, I go past the hospital and down the road all the way to the roundabout. I turn left and speed down a long road and then turn left again into where my grandad would drop me off if he drove me to school, which was every so often. Mostly when I was late really. I crawl past the cafe and keep going down, watching carefully for the herd. I keep my eyes on the gate that leads to the park.

I was here about a week ago. I could have been home by now if it wasn't for those damned Roamers. The gate remains clear and I drive past with caution.

I approach the gate and brake without thinking. I stare up at the school, my home. It was my home for so long, over a year. Where all my friends lived, where we survived for so long.

It feels different now. It's not my home anymore. For once, I don't want to go in. What if Noah was dead? If he was alive he would have found me by now. He would have come to the intersection and found me. If he were alive. So what if he wasn't. What if that day, he died? And I didn't even know. I'd been hoping against hope that one day I'd seem him again that I didn't even think about the fact that he may not have made it out alive.

I sit at the wheel for almost an hour. Just deliberating whether I should go in. After a while Kay barks which snaps me out of my thoughts and brings me back to reality. I look at the school one last time. And then decide I can't go in. I lower my foot onto the accelerator and leave. I drive so fast so that it will be too late to change my mind soon.

I can't go into that school and live there. And sleep in the same bedroom, alone. If he died. I wouldn't be able to live with it. If he did die, I'd prefer I didn't know. So to me, he was neither dead or alive. He was just in my past. If he is alive, maybe one day he'll find me. And we'll hug and kiss and hold each other as tight as we can and hope we never lose the other again. But, until that day comes, Noah is another person I loved and lost.

So, I speed down the roads again. Past the hospital and the church, down the road and left then right. Past my house and further and further away from the the place I once called home.

Kay sits beside me silently as she watches everything zoom past. And for now, I'll just drive. Drive and drive until I can't drive anymore.