To Join Him

I am fine

The hurt you feel after you've fought with the most dearest people to you... The person who almost literary saved you from your pit of darkness, the person who understands you, I felt hurt, why have I never felt this hurt before? Oh yeah because no one matters in your life except him.

I felt my eyes water and my shoulders shake a bit. I felt every tear burn and scar my face. When was the last time I cried? The time when I got punched by the schools bully in fourth grade, she was in 12th grade, I felt my heart broke, how could a person feel such a thing? Heart broken? If you asked me if I believed in such things five minutes ago I would direct you to the mental hospital and wish you good luck. I felt down. What do I do when I feel down?

I cut myself. Because I deserve it.

I took my small pocket knife and go to the bathroom. I lock the door and sit in the corner of the bathroom. I take the knife and look at it. I hope I hurt myself as much as I hurt him.

"I am sorry" I whisper quietly hoping he could hear me from the other side of the world.

I close my eyes and press the knife on my wrist, it hurt like hell but I deserved every bit of it. Everything came at once, How could I be so stupid? How could I hurt him like that? You know what he has been through yet you hurt him, you bitch. Now who is the asshole?

The blood slowly tickled down my hand. I should end my life, but no that's the easy way out, after this incident I know that I should suffer each day of my stupid life.

I am a selfish brat. I let out a loud sob. I deserve no one. I sobbed. I am bad luck, I always was.

"Rocky, you okay?" Rick's voice came from outside the bathroom door.

I cleared my throat noticing that my vision was glassy due to the fact I cried my heart out, I cried the pain I felt for the last couple of years. I cut through my skin a second time I felt pressure on my heart as I did so.

"Rocky?" My brother asked in a worried tone.

"Uhmmm" Thats all I managed to get out, to make it seem as everything was fine. Fine. So many meanings behind the word.

He said it was fine. Fine. I hit my head on the cold ground feeling alone, as always. That was my word to use when I felt hurt, I knew how that felt because it hurt so much that you become fine.

My wrist hurt. I can't die now I deserve to be a little more tortured just a little more so I need more time. I felt a lump in my throat, I needed to sob loudly but no one has seen me cry so I am nit willing right now.

I took a towel and cleaned the floor and my knife and then I looked at myself. My hazel brown eyes were puffy from the crying, my arm was red and my lips were as pink as ever, my hair hung loosely down my shoulders from all the 'head holding' position I was in. I washed my face and ran to my room. I closed my eyes and laid on my bed, awake.

Scars might last in his heart not forever but scars will last on my body and mind as long as I live, forever.

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I stayed awake till midnight sleep still hasn't come to me. I replayed the scene in my mind for the millionth time, I am stupid. I remembered the night of the stolen bike, two days ago. i remembered what we did earlier today when I played with Nick and Amanda after school and then I remembered what brought me down, my selfish ignorant stupid self, I made a big mistake, and I realized I deserve no one. No one deserved me in their life because I was a mistake.

I ruin everything. Everytime. I hurt. I am very fine.