The sun was beginning to set, the soft hums of different bugs filled the air. Carl gripped his gun tight, looking around with every step he took. He was walking home, which was a big deal. Normally he would just stay with Negan and spend the night, zombies get worse when its dark, but today he couldn't. Not after watching Negan do every single thing he does with Carl to another girl.
It was foolish to think Negan wouldn't. To think his touches meant more than just a touch and that his sweet lines weren't practiced and reused. Carl felt dirty. Partly for being so upset about Negan doing what Negan does, and partly because Carl wanted to be the only one for Negan. It was pathetic, to say the least.
Negan liked him, he was lucky. He didn't kill him when he snuck in and killed two of his men. In fact, Carl was probably the one person in the world who could do anything he wanted and go unpunished. Why wasn't that enough for Carl? If Rick or Daryl would have snuck in they would be dead in a minute. If Michonne or Rosita wanted more from him he would laugh in their face and kick them out. Why was Carl pushing it when he was already so lucky?
Carl was half way home when the sun finally tucked itself deep beneath the trees. Specks of light began to disappear and the twigs breaking and groaning began to get louder. This was stupid of him. To run away like a teenage girl when he gets upset, it's exactly the type of person Negan hates, but all he could think about when he watched Negan touch her was to get out. Leaving didn't fix anything, though. Negan was still buried deep beneath Carls skin. And the image of the girl with Negan was burned into his memory.
Carl gripped his gun so tight that his knuckles were white and his hand shook. He wouldn't admit it but he was scared. Walking alone used to feel cool. As if he was grown up and could take care of himself. In reality, though, Carl feared dying alone. What would happen if he got killed and never mad it back? Would they look or just assume he's dead? Or would someone convince his dad that he chose to run?
Cool air filled his lungs as Carl took a deep breath. Zombies weren't the biggest threat. Not anymore. They hadn't been since he was a kid. Zombies were driven by one thing. Hunger. Humans were what you needed to worry about. Driven by fear or greed or selfishness. They were unpredictable and ruthless. They planned and knew weaknesses and strengths. Humans were the real monsters left in the world. Tearing people apart limb by limb better than any zombie could.
Getting jumped had been a big fear ever since the prison burned down. When the man grabbed him and pressed the heat of his mouth against Carls skin. Carl hadn't been innocent since then. It hurt him. It continued to hurt him. Every day Carl would look in the mirror and see it. Feel it. Thinking about it makes him feel dizzy and powerless. Carl promised himself that he would never allow himself to be in a powerless position again. He would always be control. He would make the first moves and carry the most weapons. Carl would never allow himself to get hurt, not again.
Shaking his head, Carl attempted to push the thoughts out of his mind. He could remember it so clearly, so easily, he didn't even have to try. He tugged his hand through his hair and looked around, chewing his inner cheek. The path back home was short and easy. Torn up roads and dead bodies lead the way. Carl had walked it a million and one times, but he was still so scared. So jumpy.
Branches cracked and louder groans filled the air. Carl prayed, a thing he hadn't done in a while, that it wasn't a herd. He couldn't handle it. All he had was a knife and a gun. Carl swallowed and picked up his pace, moving as fast as he could. He shouldn't run. Running meant stomping and stomping meant a loud noise. That would be the last thing he needed if it was a herd.
He tried to stay towards the middle of the road. It gave him a good view of each side of the forest. If something was coming, hopefully he could see it. Traveling alone was always frowned upon, especially by his father. When you're alone theres no one to watch your back and to help fight. When you're alone its just hope, the one thing Carl lacked. Hope had been drained from him every step of the way. It began with his mom leaving with Shane, insisting that they would be safer and it ended the night Carls innocence was tainted.
