"You're such an asshole, you know that?" Carl didn't give Negan to reply. Inside he closed the gap between them and continued to shout. "All you care about is yourself and somehow you take pride in that! There is nothing honorable about being too much of a coward to care about anyone else!" His fist slammed into Negans chest. "You're too much of a fucking coward to open up and get close and its fucking pathetic."
Negan didn't remember what they were arguing about. That was how it was most of the time. They fought and they kissed and they made up. Each day it was something new. Carl cared enough for the both of them and it was a pain in his ass. Sometimes he wished he could just go back to before. Where all he did was sleep around and drink. Now there were feelings. A lot of them. And Carl was a fan of discussing them instead of ignoring them.
"Carl-" Negan began, wrapping his arms around the boy and pulling him close. Carl didn't like that. He snarled at Negan and jerked away so hard he almost fell backwards. Negan wondered if it was tiring for him to always be angry with him or if it came naturally. Negan was pretty sure
"Don't." Carl replied. "Because I know you're going to tell me to calm down and I'm not going to listen. Save your breath." Negan really didn't know why they were fighting. "I need to know how you feel about me. We've been doing this for weeks and every time I think I know what's going on you fuck it all up."
"Me?" Negan pointed at himself, laughing. That pissed Carl off. His glare was so cute Negan had to stop himself from laughing again. "I'm the one that fucks this all up? Kid, I'm sorry, but I ain't one for settling down. This isn't the world for that shit anymore." He shook his head. "It's mean and its ugly and you might as well accept it and stop getting your hopes up."
"You're not answering my question." It was easy to see that Carl was Ricks son. They both were obnoxiously annoying and argued relentlessly. The only difference was that Carl was pretty. "What do you feel for me? Do you feel anything? Just tell me what you think, Negan. I deserve to know because I'm tired-" He shook his head. "I am so tired of the questioning. Our lives are too short to play guessing games. We need to be blunt."
"The end of the world is becoming a horrible excuse."
"You use it just as much as I do." Carl was in his face again, staring him down as if he wasn't a killer. As if he didn't shut off emotion so his actions were all on instinct. His morals had been gone for years. "Why are you so afraid? Isn't it lonely? Tiring? All you do is run and shut people out. It's sad, Negan, you're sad."
"Insulting me isn't going to make me tell you how I feel." The truth was Negan loved him. It started out as an innocent and playful fascination but now it ate Negan alive. He cared for the kid and it was the biggest mistake of his life. So many risks came with caring for someone it didn't feel worth it anymore.
"God." Carl all but shouted. "You are so infuriating. I'm done with this. I'm done trying to guess if I mean anything or if I'm just being some dumb kid." He backed away, shaking his head. "I'll see you."
Negan smiled to himself. Most teenagers would accept the love they could get no matter the cost, but Carl wasn't like them. He had standards and there was no way he was going to sacrafice them for some guy. Negan could feel himself falling deeper and deeper into the hole he dug. He shouldn't love Carl, but it wasn't a choice. He loved him and he felt it deep in his bones and he hated it with every fiber of his being.
"Goodbye, Negan." Carl ducked away from him and made his way to the door, only stopping when Negan grabbed his arm and held it tight. "What do you want?"
"Never change." Negan mumbled. "Really... just don't ever change, Carl." He rubbed his thumb against Carls arm, his other fingers gripping him tight and holding him in place. "Don't change for anyone or anything."
Carl scoffed and jerked away from him, shaking his head to himself. "I'll see you around, asshole."
Negan chuckled at that, smiling softly as Carl walked out of the room. He only smiled like that when Carl couldn't see. "Yeah..." Negan nodded, chewing on his lip. "I hope you do."
