Waking up was hard for Negan. It was hard before the apocalypse and it didn't get any easier during. When you wake up, there's those few seconds where everything is okay. Where your life is still a dream and nothing is wrong and the people you love love you back and no one is hurt or dead. Those few seconds where everything seems fine are lethal. Negan had to learn that the hard way.
It had been a month since Carl died. Negan continued to wake up and fight because fighting meant he didn't have to think about Carl. He could distract himself. Waking up was hard, though, like always, but it had never been this bad.
When Negan wakes up he rolls over and still reaches out to touch Carl. For a few seconds Negan can still pretend the boy is there. Eye closed and hair fanned out against the pillow. For a few seconds Negan can plan on what he will say to Carl when he gets up and what he will do that day. He plans on kissing him and touching him and loving him. But when his fingers brush against cool cloth and not warm skin, those few seconds end.
The few seconds are a cake walk compared to just being used to things. Negan always tried to stay away from normalcy. It was his rule. If you can't get used to anything, you can't be sad when it changes. Change scared Negan. That was another reason he didn't habe normalcy. When things were always changing there was nothing to change. No bed or person to get used to. Negan broke that rule for Carl and god, did he feel the pain and punishment for breaking it every day.
Negan was used to Carl. Used to waking up next to him and used to dragging him around the Sanctuary. He was used to Carls smart ass comments and arguments. Used to telling him all about his day whether it be killing zombies or fighting a war. Then again, Negan was at war every day. Trying to get up and live in this world was war in itself. And without Carl Negan was losing.
Negan catches himself during the day. He hears someone say something dumb and all he can think about is how Carl would roll his eye and say not everyone thinks like they do. He would come up with a plan and the first person he wants to tell is Carl. He finds a jackpot while they're out scavenging and all he can think about is giving Carl a very detailed play by play about the entire thing.
Then a new few seconds hits him. Not the few seconds of bliss where he is still wrapped in sleep and thinks everything is okay. No. These few seconds are the exact opposite. These seconds are when it sets in. The reminder. The moment where Negan realizes he will never tell Carl anything ever again. That Carl won't visit or insult him or roll his eye or complain to him again. That Carl really was gone.
Living had been hard, but Lucille had gotten him through. Carl, though, Carl just didn't get him through, Carl helped him live. Really live. The kind of living that books and movies are written about. Another set of seconds begins when Negan thinks about that. Will their love die with Negan? Or will it be told in history books?
After that Negan decides to stop thinking. Its easier that way.
