"Do I really scare you?" Carl whispered. The room was dark. They had been in bed for hours but neither of them slept. They were too busy waiting, waiting for the game they played. Negan would answer anything if it was in the dark. Any question no matter how deep or weird. It was the one time he was honest.
Carl didn't know why, but he had his theories. His favorite was that he drowned in the darkness. He didn't have to hide anymore when everything else was dark, too. That he could just sink into the bed and believe that he wasn't bad. That he didn't kill people. Carl should ask him about it, but he had other questions saved up.
"What?" Negans voice was rough and calm. He had been yelling a lot today. Almost too much. By the time he was done his voice was scratchy and paper thin as if he was sick. "Kid-"
"Do I scare you?" Carl rolled onto his side. Carl had a darkness inside him. He had known when he was younger. He never felt remorse for killing that innocent man. He just said he did because thats what was expected. Good people felt bad. And Carl craved to be good.
Carl didn't like being feared. He didn't like the darkness in him. Negan embraced his while Carl ran and hid from it. The darkness didn't feel like home when it wrapped around him at night. It felt like hell. He didn't want to be evil. He didn't want people to look at him the way he did when he killed that boy. He wanted to be good. But that didn't seem possible.
"Yeah." Negan breathed out. Why was he holding his breath? Was he as nervous as Carl was? "Kid, you're different. This world... it changed everyone but you... you were ma-"
"Don't say it." Carl replied. "Don't say I'm made for this world. Don't say that I was born to kill things and fight. I wasn't. I was born to have a life with my mom and dad. I was supposed to go to school and graduate and marr-"
"A pretty girl." Negan rolled onto his side, looking at Carl through the darkness. "Never pegged you for being straight." He tilted his head to the side. "Girls wouldn't like the hair.." Negan teased, twirling it between his fingers. "You'd look prettier than them."
"You jealous?" Carl smirked. He reached out and traced Negans jaw with his finger. "Because if you are then you finally know how I feel about all those wives and the special treatment they get." He leaned down and kissed Negan.
Negan shook his head. "Not jealous." He whispered. "You're just mine and even if there was no apocalypse you would still be mine." He tilted Carls head up and kissed his neck. "No matter what you're mine, Carl. I won't let anything change that."
"Your wives already do change that." Carl stroked his cheek with his knuckles. "I'm not allowed to have boys, but you're allowed all the girls you want." He rolled onto his stomach and sat up on his elbows.
"That's different." Negan mumbled, looking away. "But that's not what you asked about. You asked if I was scared of you and I said yes. So why don't we focus on that?"
Carl nodded. "We can." He bit his lip and pushed himself up so he was sitting up. "Are you scared of me because I've killed people? Like your men and my mom? Or is it because of my bad eyes eye socket?" He rolled his eye but Negan couldn't see it in the darkness.
"No." Negan smiled. It was small and mostly hidden by his beard but Carl looked at Negan enough to see it. "It's not your socket, kid. That's shallow. And you know I like that." The smile was wider now. More noticable. "It's not what you've done or what you look like. It's what you make me feel."
Carl felt like a girl at a sleepover hearing about her best friends crush. He looked at Negan with a mix of admiration and memorization. "And how do I make you feel?" Carl whispered. He kissed Negan again, hoping he could nurse the words from his lips. Pull the secrets out the way a dentist pulled teeth. Carl may not accept his darkness, but if he has to, he'll use it.
"You make me..." Negan rubbed his face, looking away from the bat that leaned against the wall. "God damn it, kid." He shook his head and sighed. "You make me feel the way she made me feel, but it's not good. It's... scary. When I see you I'm reminded of how dumb I was. How I proposed and told her I was willing to make a promise when I wasn't. I won't ever be."
"Or you're afraid to make it. Deep down you know you can but you're afraid it'll give them power over you." Carl smirked when Negan avoided his eyes. "Is that why you made sure I knew you wouldn't leave your wives? That way I didn't view this as a commitment. That way I had to accept that I won't fix you or tie you down."
"When you know its coming you can't be let down." Negan rubbed his face. "And I know you'd be like her. No matter how many times I let you down you would stay. I could beat you and you would beg for it just so I would be touching you again."
"You don't like knowing people promise themselves to you either." Carl kissed his shoulder, looking down at him. "And you're right, I would love your touch even if it was in its sickest form. But that's the way the world is now... and like you said.." He shrugged. "Almost said."
Negan leaned up and kissed Carl, brushing his hair behind his ears. "What did I almost say?"
"That I was made for this world."
