"Sir," Simon began. "I don't know what that d-bag said on the radio but you gotta keep your head in the game. This shit is getting intense and now isn't the time to get emotional." This was his job. Keep Negan on track and stop him from feeling things. It rarely happened, but when it did it was a mess. That was a reason Simon hated Negan getting close to people. When they died it tore him apart and put everyone at risk. "You need to stay focused."
"I am." Negan replied all too calm. "I'm just going to my room." He continued. "There's some things I need to get before I come down to the meeting. Make sure everyone is there and ready in fifteen." Negan shrugged his jacket off and threw it at Simon. "Things are about to get dirty."
Negans room was too quiet. No music or voices filled the air. Only the sound of his shaky breathing and the thudding of his heart that filled his ears.
Days before Carl had been there. Talking. Laughing. Moaning. Days before things had been okay. He had a plan to talk his father down and Negan finally agreed to calm down himself. Carl wanted to make it work and Negan couldn't find it in himself to say no. The boy was smart and brave and he had a plan. Who was Negan to stop him from fixing things? The new world needed him. He was the last bit of humanity left.
Carls smell was still on Negans sheets. Small items of his were scattered about the room. Dirty bandages in the trash can and forgotten shirts in the hamper. Even his knife sat on the nightstand, an eerie reminder of what had been there and what was never coming back.
Carl Grimes was dead. He put a bullet through his skull while the sickness swept through his body. He died alone, scared and in pain. Negan couldn't protect him. He was a fool to believe he ever could.
Carl Grimes was dead and the last thing Negan ever said to him was "Come home safe." Carl could handle himself, they both knew that, which was a good and bad thing. Carl always refused to have someone with him when he traveled home. Not that he got bit then. He got bit saving someone. Negan found himself smiling at that.
"God damn," Negan didn't know he was crying until he wiped his face and felt the dampness of previous tears. "You're a fucking idiot." Negan spoke like Carl could hear him. Carl would never hear him again. "You're stubborn and you're selfless and you're a fucking idiot." It was too easy to blame him. If Carl had been like him, he would be alive. But Carl wasn't like him. He was loving and caring and that's why Negan was in love with him. Loved. There was no Carl left to love. "You were stupid and now you're go-" Negans words were choked up. "Now you're gone."
Negan stood up, grabbing the hat that laid on the bed. He gripped it tight, tears blurring his vision. Anger was thrumming throughout his body as Negan began to swing. The first thing hit was the door. Wood chips flew across the room before Negan swung to his right and broke the lamp that was lighting up the room. His next target was the couch. The leather was torn up within seconds, blow after blow gutting the couch.
"You're a fucking asshole!" Negan screamed, slamming the bat into the glass windows thay lined the walls. "What about me!?" Glass cut his face as it flew through the air. "What about me?! Don't I deserve to be saved?!" Next was the table that sat between the chairs. With one blow it fell on its side, knocking off books and old beer bottles.
"I loved you!" He screamed through gritted teeth. The bat slammed into the ground, Negans hands clawing at Carls favorite painting. He ripped it from the wall, shoving his knee through the work canvas. "I loved you and you didn't love me back! Not enough!" Negan threw the skeleton of the painting across the room. "Not enough to come back! Not enough to protect yourself!"
Negan felt humiliated. After Lucille he promised himself that he would never fall in love. This world ruined good things, so he would just be bad. Cold. Selfish. Angry. Mean. Anything but loving. He could get close, but never enough to cry. Never enough to feel emptiness consume him once the person died.
Then he fell. He fell hard and fast and it felt like every bone in his body had been broken. Carl swore he would never leave. That the world was bad, but good always made it through. Negan was dumb enough to believe that the last good thing wouldn't be destroyed. Carl would have never lived. He was bright and happy, a beacon of hope. The world would have crushed him or consumed him. And it did.
"You were an asshole! How can you put them before me?!" Negan slammed his fists into the walls. "I gave you everything! I listened to you! I taught you! I trusted you!" The final blow put a hole in the wall. With bloody knuckles, Negan fell to his knees. "I loved you." He muttered. "I loved you."
