Our New Fate

Chapter 24: I don't wanna lose control.

Song used in this chapter: "The Fault in Our Stars" - Troye Sivan

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"The weight

Of a simple human emotion

Weighs me down

More than the tank ever did"

Heung Soo took off the last piece of clothing from his body and stepped inside the cold shower. A strong sense of regret was taking hold of his body. Was it really remorse? His heart was pounding insanely fast. He was feeling disgusted, and probably never felt such regret before in his life. How did he allow himself to do those things he did? How could he so eagerly participate in them - how could he cross that line?

The water fell on his warm body, decreasing his temperature. His hands were shaking so badly that he had to put them on the tile in front of him to not lose his balance. He closed his eyes and the scenes from last night came rushing into his mind like a scary flashback. His legs began to feel weak and he didn't think he could stay standing any longer.

He dropped to the floor, his knees hitting the cold tiles as the water soaked his whole body. He couldn't erase the memories of what had happened - as much as he knew how wrong it was, as much as he wanted to forget, it was just impossible. And now there was no turning back.

He couldn't control his impulses and did something that he shouldn't have done. Heung Soo did things he knew he would never forget - things that he knew that would stick in his mind for as long as he would live. Every time he looked at Nam Soon he would be reminded of what they'd done because even though he was drunk, he could still feel Nam Soon's hands touching him. He could still feel his body, his warmth, his kisses. And he could still remember how it was like to touch Nam Soon - he remembered it so clearly that it was as if he were doing it right now.

And he felt like throwing up again. Maybe it was not because he was really nauseous, but because he could not accept it - every time he thought about it he panicked so badly that he couldn't even keep himself steady.

"What do I do ..." He whispered, the husky words barely leaving his throat. He felt like crying. He had never felt so bad in his entire life - maybe just on the day Nam Soon left him. Or the day he thought that he had killed that other boy. But, rather than that, the feeling now was suffocating.

And it was getting worse with every passing minute. Every time he remembered, not just Nam Soon's touches, but when he remembered himself touching Nam Soon, something would stick inside his throat. His heartbeats would increase in a way that made him feel like he was having a heart attack. He couldn't breath and he couldn't stop crying - because he did things with a guy that he could never acknowledge in his whole life.

"You lost a part of your existence

In the war against yourself"

Heung Soo finally came out of the shower about an hour later. His eyes were swollen and his body was still shaking - but this was probably aggravated by the cold water that was all over his body.

He quickly put on his work suit since he couldn't take any longer to get ready - he still had to work today. Even after everything, his life still had to move on and there was nothing he could do to avoid it; and picked up his suitcase from his desk, but just when he was about to reach the door, the high-pitched sound of his doorbell rang.