Running out of time

Chapter 14. Ben - this is my life

I'm not as smart as the others, I know that, the problem is, why does everyone think they know it better than me?

All my life I've been bullied, I've never fit in before, my friends are my friends because they pity me. You think I may be stupid, well think again because no matter what you think is dumb I'm dumber.

It pains me that my life has only changed after I've turned 16, and the people that accept me are just as freakishly alone as me, I think. I know that Anna, the girl sitting alone is like me, she doesn't have real friends at all, the people that grab her by the ankles and gently pull her back to earth.

Right now I'm sitting in a dorm room my head filled with crazy ideas. These people have my back right? Or maybe they're like the rest of humanity and look down on me still.

Staring at the ceiling I sigh, Roy's in the corner of my eye  as he walks over to me, "you ok bro?" He asked me sitting on the carpet next to my feet that are dangling over the side of the bed. "I'm fine" I replied, the thing is, I lied. I'm not fine. I feel dead inside.

I wake up sometimes, and I don't know if it's even worth it. There is nobody to look out for me, that's my greatest fear, being alone. I've always been alone but in some corner etched inside my mind, is the idea that I'm not alone. The truth is, it's only there because I don't want to be alone.

But things can change for me now, I have friends. Actual Friends.

A tear dropped from my eyes as I thought about it. "Woah! Ben? Are you... Crying" asked Roy. I didn't even realise the tears that followed, rolling down my face and dampening my duvet.

"Ben?" Roy stared at me intently before standing up and walking away. I was alone again. My eyes couldn't stop watering as I lay on my bed all alone.

"Ben" Roy gently rolled me back over onto my back and tossed a tissue into my hand. "Wipe your tears" he ordered. "Right, now tell me everything"
"Everything?" I gulped, he nodded
" It doesn't matter... I don't matter"
"Don't say that" Roy gritted his teeth "please I want to help and I need to kno-"
"I never told anyone" I interrupted "when they pushed me down I stayed down, I didn't know what else to do" Roy looked away from me, he was probably expecting something like I'm an orphan or I was hit by a car once and never fully recovered. Well this is my life.

There was this one kid, Dylan, one day he gave it all he had and he almost killed me. There's a fast flowing river near the school, the pupils can't reach it easily as there's a large fence concealing it in. Dylan and his mates pushed me higher and higher and pretty soon I reached the top. I felt great. The guy who usually bullied me was helping me scale this huge fence as an act of kindness. I shouted to him to let me down now. He didn't budge, my heart was pounding and I kept of shouting at him to let me down. I was only 8 then and I felt like I was having this minor panic attack. After my voice began to ache and grow hoarse, Dylan looked back up at me, he smiled, but this smile wasn't very reassuring. Within a heart beat he jumped up launching me straight over the fence. I hit the rocks and the next few seconds were blurry to me. I couldn't breathe and I could see my blood floating on the water. I don't remember much after that, but I was so scared. I mean apparently, I had blacked out for a while. Then I was floating, gradually getting further and further away from the school, I tried to swim but the current was way too strong. I could barely even open my mouth because I just kept sinking into the river which just kept getting deeper. The quick waves just kept rolling over me, pushing me down, stealing my breath. I was lucky I survived as one of the teachers spotted me. After seeing the teacher run towards me I think I blacked out again.
When I was asked what happened I was so scared of Dylan that I told them that I had accidentally fallen into it, of course they didn't believe me and even got the police involved to find out exactly what happened.

"Ever since then, people treated me extremely badly, because I never told anyone about Dylan, it meant that other people could steal my things, call me names, trip me over in the corridor. I was alone then and I've been alone ever since, I guess I just kept it to myself because I didn't think it would change anything for me"
"Ben, I don't think you understand yet, you've got me, I'll be your best friend and I promise that I'll always have your back" he paused "if you'll let me"

I cried then, not for the first time, but for the last, I wasn't going to be alone.