"His heartbeat sounds like he's knocking at her door but she's not there to let him in" — ness
I heard a knock on my door and I rolled over, ready to completely ignore it. I was too engulfed in my cozy blankets and warm bed to even think about moving.
Knock knock.
There it goes again.
Knock knock.
There it goes once more.
Knock knock.
I unfortunately dragged myself out of my comfort zone. Half asleep, I threw on pajama pants and my glasses, knowing that this wouldn't be avoidable now. Whoever it may be, better have a good reason for waking me.
I trudge my way down the what seemed like never ending steps, and went to unlock the front door. Opening it to see the least of what I had expected — your car, slowly driving away from my house.
I shut the door, locking it again, and slid my back down it. I sat on the floor with my head in my hands, just wondering, what could he possibly want?
"Listen I don't know why you keep coming to my house unannounced and uninvited but I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop."
"I just wanted to say goodbye"
"Goodbye for what?"
No answer.
"???"
No answer.
I grabbed my hair and started to pull hard. This can't be happening again. I can't let him make me feel like this again. My chest started moving faster and my head started to spin. Oh no, I felt like I was going to be sick. My stomach twisted in knots, my body climbed back in bed, and my arms grabbed each other as if trying to keep my body together. I can't let him make me feel like this again. My hands started shaking and I knew the tears were coming.
Fuck anxiety. Fuck getting yourself worked up over something so small. You didn't see him. You're fine. You didn't physically talk to him. You're fine.
But why did he come? Why does he keep thinking it's okay to show up at my door without even telling me? Why does he keep coming back? Why doesn't he get it? Why does he always make me seem like the bad guy? Why does he always make me feel guilty for something I didn't do? Why is he making this harder for me, harder for himself? Why does he keep dwelling on the past? Why won't he just stop already?
I was shaking harder now. I got out of bed and couldn't help but pace the entire room. I feel sick. I'm going to throw up. No you're not. I'm definitely going to throw up. No you're definitely not.
Thoughts were rushing in and out of my head, is he okay? He's literally fine. Should I call him? That's a horrible idea, and he probably wouldn't even answer if he's not answering your text. Why am I even freaking out over this? I don't know, you tell me. He ruined us, I didn't, and it's been months, why the fuck am I the one having a panic attack right now? Because you're nervous and being irrational. I'm over him, I've been over him, why doesn't he understand that? Because let him believe, for way too long, that you'd go running back to him whenever he fucking snapped his fingers. Arrogant prick. I wish he would stop showing up. I wish he would just leave me alone. Believe me, so do I. Holy shit, this is so stupid! I'm being so stupid! Hey, you said it not me. Why did I just call my sister crying, why did I just tell my mother this is how I've been for a long? You need support sometimes. It's okay to lean on your family, even if you don't want them to see you this way. Am I okay? You're going to be just fine. Now get in the shower, you've got shit to do today and he is not worth your time anymore.
