I saw something you wrote somewhere just a few minutes ago, and I'm really confused as to why it hurt like hell.
You said goodbye to the app you always put your thoughts on, and said goodbye to me as well. Why did that hurt like hell?
Why am I not happy you're moving on? That's all I've fucking wanted for months.
Why am I sad that you're finally saying goodbye? I've been fucking waiting for you to say it.
Why am I upset that you're finally done with me? I've been fucking wishing for you to get over us.
I don't understand why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I like being in a constant state of torture. I don't understand why I'm sitting hunched over the toilet, sick and in pain because of the words you just wrote.
Your words mean nothing to me anymore.
Why are they hurting me so bad?
Maybe I'm just missing the drama you gave me, the excitement and sadness that came with being in a relationship with you. I miss having someone to pass the time with, but I don't miss that person being you. Do I?
Why do I feel comfort in those who are bad for me? Why can I feel myself mentally crawling back to you? This isn't good and I know it won't stay for long, it never usually does, but right now the pain is bad. I want it to go away. I want you to go away.
And you finally are.
So why won't I let you?
I'll ask myself over and over again, what's keeping me stuck to you? What's keeping me from moving past all of that bullshit?
I don't know, but I wish I did.
I'll just keep sitting here with my stomach in knots, writing a meaningless message to people who won't want to read my words and think about everything you put me through.
I can't get those two years out of my fucking head. I can't get you out of my fucking head. You still come and go like you always have, constantly in control of my fucking mind. It's such an awful feeling.
You're as bad as a blood sucking tick. You're as bad as a fucking leech. The longer you're in me, the sicker I get. The longer you're in me, the harder it is to pull you out.
I want to burn the flesh you're burrowing in. I want to scratch and claw at it until new skin breaks through. But I can't do that to myself anymore because of you.
I can't hurt myself anymore because of you.
I can't hurt others anymore because of you.
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of letting you control the anxiety I have with new people, and I'm sure as hell tired of letting you control when I get fucking sad about you.
I'm tired of the guilt trips. I'm tired of the arguing. I'm tired of getting the blame. I'm tired of getting my words twisted. I'm tired of getting upset because of something you did. I'm tired of trying to stand up for myself and making it worse in the end. I'm tired of showing you how I feel just to have you make me feel worse. I'm tired of the guilt trips.
I wish I could have told you all of those things when I really had the chance to. When it really would have fucking dug deep into that thick skull of yours.
I wish you didn't break my heart so many times.
I wish I didn't break yours but I couldn't go back and you knew exactly why.
I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of this but you know what? I'm happy you're finally letting me go because that's what I wanted. I'm happy you're finally understanding I can't talk to you because it hurts too much. I'm happy you let your selfishness subside for me for once. I'm happy you finally said goodbye.
But why the fuck did it hurt so much?
