I will never forgive you for making me feel like this.
I will never be able to talk to someone new without getting scared. I will never be able to kiss a boy without thinking about how fucking wrong it is. I will never be able to fuck someone without thinking I'm bad at sex. I will never be able to be comfortable in my own skin because you ruined it.
I used to love you so much. I did everything for you; anything for you. I left my friends for you. I left the world for you. I loved you so much and you still broke me.
You made me feel so weak. You made me feel so out of control. You made me feel so submissive and pathetic. You made me feel like my existence rely's on a man being in my life. You made it so hard for me to realize that maybe someone else is out there.
I can't kiss someone without wanting to cry. I can't like someone without feeling like my life is going to fall apart the second I let them in. I can't take things slow and be normal because you weren't normal. I should have listened to what she told me.
I will continue to ruin my happiness. I will continue to be an anxious wreck with any other boy who decides to let me in for five seconds of their life. I will always need reassurance because you never gave it to me.
Looking like a fool is all I will continue to do. I'll embarrass myself; I'll act like an idiot because I don't know how to stop the rambling or the shaking. I'll say it's wrong for him to be nice to me because I don't know what it's like for a man to treat me right. I'll say "please stop" when he kisses my cheek and rubs my back because it feels so wrong to me. Where's the rough sex? Where's the fighting? Where are the strong arms pinning me to the wall? Where are big hands wrapped so tightly around my neck that I can't tell if it's a joke or I'm going to die?
I will never be able to look myself in the mirror and feel okay. I will never be able to have a man hold me in his arms and feel like I belong there. I will never get rid of the fear of pissing someone off the way I would piss you off. I will never think it's normal to have a guy not want something from me. I will never get the way you fucked me up out of my head.
I will never be able to love someone the same way I loved you.
I will never be able to be loved better than how you loved me.
You broke me.
You ruined me.
I will never forgive you for making me feel like this.
