Blood Sugar

Part Sixty-Three: Living Hell

The way to John's place was brutally painful and long. I sat in the back of a cab and looked out of the window like a maniac. Every person on the sidewalk could've been him. I thought I felt bad before, but as I was completely alone, it was even worse. 

I turned the key around twice and the lock cracked. I knew he wasn't home. He never shut the door when he was home. Only if he'd go out. Tears formed in my eyes. As I stepped inside, my knees got weak and I couldn't help but collapse on the floor and let everything out. I was sure I'd have lost him. And I realized I didn't wanna be without him... ever. 

I couldn't manage to get up for what seemed like hours. I was numb until a piercing pain ran through my body. My legs hurt immensely from the unnatural position I was sitting in. I went to John's bathroom and splashed cold water in my face. I still didn't feel anywhere near alive. But what was I supposed to do? Nothing.. so I walked up to his bedroom and laid down. The fact that everything smelled like him didn't make it easier for me to fall asleep.

I started up from sleep at least once an hour that night and looked to my wristwatch every now and then. He must come home sometime, I told myself over and over. But everytime I woke up, I was still alone. As it was nine in the morning, I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I got out of bed and wandered through John's apartment. I figured he probably came home once that night.. well before I arrived.. at least his Ibanez guitar was gone. I instantly noticed because I always thought it looked so cool with all the stickers and stuff on it. The fact that he stopped by to grab it made me smile a little.

But that faded as I saw that his sock drawer was opened, too. He must've packed a bag.. he didn't want to came back home. He knew I'd be there. I decided to stay at his place anyway, I didn't gave up the hope he might come back. And I didn't want to miss him.

The phone rang and my heart skipped a beat. I instantly got up and ran for it. Of course I hoped it would be John. The connection was awful, I only heard a static noise.  "Hello? John? Is that you?", I nervously said. All of the sudden, the line was clear. "It's Flea." The tension dropped. "Oh hi." "I just wanted to know how you were doing." "Bad obviously", I said. He sighed. "I know.. I'm at Tony's. We're thinking real hard, are clutching at every straw. Just wanted to let you know that we're not standing back and we'll let you know if there's news about his whereabouts. You'll stay where you are, okay?" "Yeah.. thank you Flea." "Anytime", he said and hung up.

I rubbed my eyes. I still hoped this was a bad dream. I turned on his record player and filled myself a glass of water. Then I laid back down and closed my eyes. 

My heart almost exploded as the phone rang again later. But on the other side of the line was Flea again. "Any news?", I hopefully asked. "Um.. no.. no, not really. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still on it. And Tony and Chad are taking care of the party. We're confident that he'll show up soon, okay?" "Hm.." "Hey, it's gonna be alright, hear me?" "Yeah.." "Okay, gotta go."

As I figured I couldn't do anything about it, I decided to finally take a shower. I let cold water run down my body. My skin tone changed from light pink to a dark shade of blue. It was fucking cold. But I didn't mind it. At least I felt something different than pain.

Soaking wet, I walked out of the shower and laid back down without giving a fuck about getting a towel. As I started to seriously shake from the cold, I went up to John's drawer to search for a shirt.

It was a huge mess inside. He wasn't too fond of folding his clothes obviously. I took out the one shirt that I looked out for him in the vintage store. It still smelled like him. Like literally everything around me. I took some socks, too and noticed a piece of paper in between all that mess.

I put everything aside and saw that my name was written on it. My heart started pumping heavily in my chest again. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to open it. But then again.. why shouldn't I? Otherwise I might never find out what it was he wanted to tell me. And who knows? Maybe he placed it for me to find.

My hands were shaking as I took it. I breathed deep a couple of times before opening it. I didn't expect what I was seeing. It was stewn with small sketches. In the middle of it it said in all caps VENICE GETS A QUEEN. I winced. He wanted to take me to Venice. I put the paper back down and rubbed my eyes. Then I took it back and looked at it once more. Venice.. he might have left for Venice. I rushed to the phone.

"Hi Bill, it's Kaya. I was wondering if you knew about acquaintances of John who own a place in Venice. It's real urgent. Please call me back if you hear this", I said and my voice almost cracked. I held the phone in my hand the whole time as I was waiting for him to return my call. I was so nervous, I walked up and down the room. Then I started dialing Bill's number again and hung up immediately. I was in doubt about what I was just gonna ask him. I bit my lip and dialed again. "Um.. and while I'm at it.. would you come over and.. well.. I really need some stimulants... you know? I didn't get a wink of sleep.. well.. I'm really fucked up. Okay.. that's it.. bye."

I threw the phone in the corner. I couldn't believe I did this. I sat down and massaged my temples gently. Relax Kaya, relax. He's gonna come back. Everything will be just fine. I was trying to fake myself into thinking this. Because literally nothing happened. I had no reason to relax. No reason to believe he was coming back, no reason to be just fine. Perfect timing to feng shui myself.

Another half an hour passed until I heard a knock on the door and startled from my trance. I stood up and opened the door a crack. It was Bill. "Hi, come in", I said. He gave me a slight smile and stepped inside. "I brought coffee", he said and held the cup in my direction. "Thought it'd be a better start than.. well.. drugs", he said and smirked. Thank god he didn't went into my request. I nodded and took it.

I took a sip and looked at him wide-eyed. "Got my first message, too?", I asked. "Yeah.. and I was thinking about it.. but.. um.. no.. I really got no clue", he said and looked down. Then suddenly back up again and raised his finger. "But.. I know who to ask. Know where John keeps his directory?" I nodded and lead him to the drawer in which he stored all sorts of knick-knacks. He skimmed page through page and narrowed his eyebrows after a while. Then he looked up from the small book and smiled. "Found him", he said and I pressed the phone into his hand.

He made a quick call and wrote a direction on a piece of paper. As he hung up, I smiled from ear to ear. I called Flea to tell him and he suggested he'd come over and we drive to Venice altogether. I was so happy all of a sudden. Just the chance of seeing John's face overwhelmed me.