Blood Sugar

Part Sixty-Nine: Venice is Life

As we reached the beautiful cottage, John luckily was nearly sober. He didn't tell me, but I was quite sure he had taken coke. Well.. I didn't make a big deal of it. It was not like he was getting high all the time. But I was glad he was acting 'normal' and we did nothing but enjoy each other's company until we were so tired, we fell asleep without even kissing good night.

The slight sunbeams were tickling my nose and I slowly opened my eyes. The smell of fresh coffee was filling the place and I smiled. John was up already and preparing breakfast. I got up too and took a few steps towards the small kitchen until John came running up to me, pushing his hands against my shoulders. "Nah, nah, nah, you stay in bed." I rubbed my eyes, still sleepy. "But I wanted to help you", I said with puppy eyes and pouted. He smiled widely. "Well... I don't need your help. Now go back to bed, sleeping beauty." He kissed my nose and I shrugged. "If you say so." "I say so."

I trotted back into bed, pulled up the sheets and got comfortable, soon falling asleep again. I woke up once more from John crawling on top of me and kissing my cheek. "You're so cute", he murmured into my ear. "If the scrambled eggs wouldn't get cold, I couldn't bring myself to wake you." I pulled him by his shirt collar and pressed a kiss on his lips. "Who gives a fuck about scrambled eggs though?"

He slung his hands around the back of my neck and returned my kiss. Then he looked to me and smiled mischievously. "I do." And got up.  "You're such a drag", I said and threw a pillow after him. He turned around and smirked. "We've got all day babe, now come on. You don't get breakfast in bed every day." John took the pillow that landed on the ground and threw it back on the bed. I sighed. "Aaalright."

He returned with a tray and placed a cup of coffee, eggs, cereals and toast next to my side of the bed. I grinned. "Okay.. this is worth it." "Told you, princess." And he laid down next to me. "But we're gonna make a huge mess.. ruin these neat white sheets", I said and looked up to him. "Who gives a fuck about white sheets though", he said and dipped his finger into the small bowl of marmalade and smeared it on my collarbone. I expected him to lick it off and started to get excited.

Instead, he took a piece of toast and used my collarbone marmalade as spread. "This feels funny", I said and copied him. Only putting the sweet spread on his chest.

John grinned and started licking the rest of the marmalade from my skin. "Feels better?" "Definitely", I said, pulling him closer and kicking the bowl of spread. We looked on the sheets, grinned and continued kissing. The sheets were already messed up and we hadn't even started yet.

We spend the rest of the day in bed and watched old movies on John's projector. I felt so incredibly comfortable and secure in John's arms. When he started talking about touring though, he hit a soft spot. I wanted to stay strong all of the time. But after the last few days, I felt that I wasn't strong at all. I was weak. I was weak for him.

We were lying next to each other and looked to the ceiling. Then John slowly grabbed my hand, squeezed it tight and turned his head to face me. I didn't return the look, I just couldn't. I felt this sharp pain in my breast and a lump in my throat. "Kay.. I've had the most beautiful week with you.. ever.." He paused and squeezed my hand tighter. "I... really.. really.. I... I don't want this to.." He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, the warm air surrounding my face, causing me to shiver. "Kay.. I don't want this to end. I fucking don't. It's so unfair.. Because.. I think you.. you do.. you feel it.. don't you feel it?" I could feel his eyes piercing me. But I was unable to move. I had thousands of words I could've.. should've said.

John let go of my hand and slowly crawled out of bed. I was still in the same position. I didn't even look after him. I felt so numb. Hot tears started streaming down my face. I wanted to stall the leave. I knew I couldn't. I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I remembered how painful it was when I thought I'd have lost him. So I wiped away my tears, stood up, put on my shoes and wandered through the room. John's jacket was gone and the pack of cigarettes from the small table next to the frontdoor, too. 

I stepped outside, but he wasn't there. I head to the beach. The sun was slowly setting and covered the surroundings in a pink shade. And in between, there was John sitting in the sand. I peeled off my shoes and  walked down the beach. The sand was still warm and wrapped up my bare feet.

I placed myself next to John who was smoking. We were the only ones there far and wide. "Got another one?", I asked. John pulled the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and held it in my direction. I grabbed myself one and he lit it up. I took a deep drag.

With my feet buried in the sand, I placed my head on my knees and looked to the ocean. "Beautiful, isn't it?", John said and I nodded. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salty air. I clenched to my knees and pursed my lips. "John.." "Yeah?", he said with a hopeful undertone. "I do..." 

I took another drag and exhaled it slowly. "I do feel it, too", I finally said and looked to him. "Is that.. is that a good thing?", he asked. He looked confused. He clearly didn't know if he should be happy or sad. I didn't know either.

"It's good.. I guess." 

He moved closer to me and placed his hand on mine. "Kaya.. please.. give this a chance. I know we can make it.. I just.. I can't let you go. I'll leave nothing untried to make you want this.. what.. tell me what am I supposed to do to make say yeah? To just.. just try this out."

Again, I couldn't move. I just stared to the water. Until John shook my hand. "Just say something. Please.. Look.. you can always end it. If you can't do it.. if.. if you don't feel good about it.. whatever. But to just ditch this.. I don't know.. I feel like it's wrong."

I put out my cigarette and buried it in the sand. "Okay", I quietly said. John started squeezing my hand again. "Okay what?", he hopefully asked. "Okay.. we'll try it out."