he,
him,
he has no idea how much he kills me.
everyday,
it's the same conversation,
'morning'
'how are you?'
'what did you do?'
'okay, Bye'
i think something is wrong,
yet when I ask,
he says all is fine.
I launch my phone across my room,
i scream,
'I KNOW YOU'RE NOT OKAY!'
but he constantly says he is.
i make sure he is okay,
always.
even if I am feeling shit that day,
I shut up and I let him spill his beans,
he matters more.
I don't want sympathy,
not by a mile.
his problems matter a lot more than mine.
he matters a lot more.
im worried,
I'm constantly worried.
even when he reassures me,
I'm worried.
so then I panic,
i stare at my phone,
thinking about calling him,
but I don't want to worry him.
even if I press the 'call' button,
i only let it ring twice before I press the red one.
'why should he worry when I'm fine?'
that's what I tell myself
I battle back and forth with myself,
thinking about what to do next.
I tell myself I am okay,
I'm not most of the time.
but he comes first.
and he helps me massively,
yet he still wants to do more,
more than this,
more than the world,
but he's killing himself doing it,
he can't see it.
but I can.
I want to ask him if he want a breath of fresh air,
but I know he'll say no,
he doesn't like going outside,
I still want to ask,
the thing is,
if I ask, he'll get annoyed of me,
im too boring,
too annoying.
he doesn't need to say it but,
I guess it,
the way he speaks,
he has no interest in taking to me.
I just want to make sure he's okay,
but he doesn't care,
I annoy him.
you'd think by now I would have got the message,
right?
but he seems like my bestfriend,
then,
I get nothing.
I love him to the moon and back,
yet he doesn't see that either.
im probably overthinking it,
right?
second guessing myself.
but the truth is,
I don't know anymore.
I'm numb,
a lost cause.
but it's easier that way,
not to let anyone in.
it's better.
people can't hurt you,
you can't hurt them,
they're better off without you
and,
the best thing,
i don't feel anything.
not anymore.
