im tired.
the constant pain i conceal behind my smile every single day is draining me.
it's draining me until I have nothing left.
nothing left to feel,
nothing left so I feel numb.
so I no longer feel anything except pain.
but it's what makes us human right ?
pain.
ive blocked everyone out that I care about,
ive kept them in the dark so I don't end up hurting them.
or so I don't make them unhappy all the time.
i want them to feel happiness.
i want them to enjoy themselves everyday, every minute and every second because they deserve it.
and this is becoming cheesy and boring but i just want them to know that I love them.
i love them so much.
im slowly closing down.
and no, I don't want them to stop living their lives in happiness just to prevent the inevitable.
my throat feels like it's tied in a knot, my lungs shrivelled from the lack of oxygen,
my eyes begin bursting with shots of red and bulging from their sockets,
my skin turns into a lifeless grey and i fall.
i fall into the depths of emptiness.
and I feel pain,
nothing else.
and I loose the ability to smile, laugh, cry or to show any emotion
i become numb.
but yes ive rambled about this many times before and in the end no one really cares and that's okay.
i don't want empathy or sympathy.
i don't deserve that.
i deserve the numbness that'll be inevitable,
but it scares me.
it scares me the fact that ill never be able to escape the feeling once ive fallen.
i can't crawl my way back out.
it's impossible.
it also terrifies me that i may be on the edge of falling into the pit,
or maybe I already have.
but as long as the people I truly care about are happy,
i can live with the pain.
