the stress.
the pain.
the suffering.
i want to wash it all away,
i want to feel my body be cleansed of everything.
I've become numb.
the cold bathroom tiles send goosebumps from my toes to my fingertips,
i trace the bumps along my skin,
letting them find their way to the edges of my clothes.
•
"fat cow"
•
my eyes shut tight,
and i let out a sigh.
my bare body stands in the bathroom.
numb.
my head, my mind,
it's like the ocean.
it's calm at times,
and it's beautiful and serene.
but other times it's a raging storm,
a tsunami of pain and suffering,
it clouds and becomes darker,
and darker,
until I see nothing but an abyss of black.
•
"whore"
•
my eyes find the floor,
and the tiny crack I've never noticed before.
hmm.
i almost float into the shower,
my routine,
the same boring routine,
everyday.
my hands form into a bowl shape,
collecting the steamy water in them.
i watch the water I collect in my 'bowl' overflow.
then i get bored and I smash the bowl,
letting the contents fall to the ground.
the crack echoes in my head,
filling every space in my mind with the haunting sounds.
•
*drink glass dropped and smashes on floor
"erin what have you done to yourself!"
•
the water gushes down the front of my body,
the memory makes my head hurt,
so i lean forward, putting my arms on the wall behind the shower head and laying my head gently in between them.
the water finds a new path and flows down my back.
it trickles down my spine.
for once I felt peaceful.
•
*gets pushed to the ground
"stay down you pig, nobody will ever love you"
•
I can still hear them cackling,
thinking they're funny.
but they won.
their words are true.
im not loved,
im too numb.
i groan with disappointment in myself.
i part from the wall,
my hands dangling with no life by my side,
dead weight.
my head tilts slightly backward,
the water covers my face like a water feature,
flowing smoothly,
but getting caught on my eyelashes and eyebrows making water droplets fly around.
•
"why can't you die already?"
•
the water is disturbed by my eyebrows moving into a new position,
pain
the steamy water cascading down my face begins to stop the inhaling of oxygen and exhaling of carbon dioxide.
yet,
my body doesn't move.
it's numb.
my lungs start to demand oxygen,
making me feel like I'm choking.
yet,
my body doesn't respond,
it's numb.
my lungs are bringing to shrivel like raisins,
drier than a desert,
yet i don't move,
no response.
im numb.
slowly but surely i begin to lower to the ground,
until im sat upon my toes.
the water sprays like a jet onto my arched back.
•
"oh god she's looking for attention"
•
my eye sight begins to cloud,
i know im crying but I can't feel the tear fall down my cheek.
the water carries away my tears,
almost like a friend.
like it cares.
and so I unleash the waterworks,
and the water turns them off.
i feel stupid.
•
"she's so weak"
•
im just numb
