recently I feel as though i can't breathe,
and everyone around me is just watching,
im suffocating,
but everyone else is breathing.
/
i walk into the classroom and have a quick glance around the room,
so brief i don't see everyone in the room,
i look back at my shoes and I find my body leading me to my seat.
my bag brushes the back of my classmates back,
and I instantly feel guilty,
"sorry"
they nod.
i sit down and tune into the lesson.
it's going well until all I can hear are the people bitching behind me,
now im tuned into their conversation about who kissed whose boyfriend.
i shake my head,
Unleashing myself from that conversation.
again, i tune back into the lesson.
when I hear the shuffle of zips, bags, crisps, water bottles.
they echo in my head,
bouncing from side to side drowning out the teachers monotone voice.
i shut my eyes and take a breath,
and I open them again.
my full attention on the teacher.
i write every word she says,
i don't want to fail,
I copy every word on the board,
the clock begins to tick very loud.
i look around the room to see if anyone is effected by the noise.
nobody.
i frown and look at the board to see the letters falling off,
like an Alice in wonderland trick.
i widen my eyes in shock.
the clock ticks louder.
my eyes shift from one person to another,
then to my page,
back to the teacher,
the-
to my hands.
shaking like I've been standing in the cold all my life,
shaking like my confidence,
shaking like the smile I used to wear,
shaking like my heart is,
shaking like-
idontknow
my vision blurs in and out,
my head spins,
and I begin to feel hot,
I want to take my blazer off but nobody else has,
i sit there feeling my cheeks grow ever more red,
i sit on my hands to stop them shaking,
but little do I know my whole body is shaking.
the clock is deafening me now.
i can't hear a word anyone is saying,
a white noise is all I can hear,
along with muffled voices that sound miles away.
i cover my face with my hands.
"I don't want to be here"
I say it to myself,
just to remind myself that I'll never be good enough.
/
i wait until the worksheets have been handed out,
when everyone starts to talk.
i raise my hand,
to which the teacher strides over with a fake ass smile,
"can I go to the toilet please?"
the teacher nods.
i jump up quickly and slide out to the bathroom,
nearly running down the hall.
i run into a cubicle and I freak out,
i fiddle with the lock,
eventually locking myself in.
safe.
"i want them to go away"
i tell myself,
as I put the toilet lid down to sit on it.
i want the voices to leave.
i grab my head and bend down,
so my head is over my knees.
'you'll never be good'
'who do you think you are?'
'you're not funny shut up'
'stop smiling'
'they aren't your frien-'
-
i kick the door.
"GO AWAY!"
i grab my head again,
clutching my hair and pulling it over my face,
i pull my skin,
stretching it down.
my hands fall to my sides.
i lean forward so im leaning my temple on the door,
i let out a sigh.
/
"please"
