wasn't a great weekend,
sat infront of a doctor.
dying.
it's a weird word right?
some people find peace in it,
others find fear.
it keeps running through my head,
wouldn't it be easier?
or is it a cowards way out?
-
'erin, i need you to listen to what I'm saying'
'sorry'
-
he tells me his plan of action.
what he's going to do.
when,
room starts to close around me and it becomes black,
pitch black.
and im floating around in the darkness,
almost in peace?
this darkness used to be my fear,
but now I find solitude in it?
what is wrong with me?
-
'...dying'
-
that word brings me back to the room.
it makes my heart plummet into the floor,
i want to rip my hair out and cry.
I try to cry,
but the tears just won't drop,
my waterworks are broken.
my eyes glaze like glass.
he says the word again.
but I'm not listening to a word he's saying.
I'm thinking about my friends,
family, school.
what happens now?
I can't say anything right?
-
'Erin, did you get any of that?'
-
I look straight into this mans eyes,
then I look back at my thumbs,
fumbling over each other.
the doctor takes a breath and leans back in his chair.
I feel ashamed.
guilty.
it sets me off thinking about everytime i felt those negative emotions.
my eyes start to dry,
from the lack of blinking.
-
'erin, your white, do you feel faint?'
-
my vision blurs,
my head pounds,
and spins in circles.
a fire ignites in my head,
burning everything in its path.
i hate this.
what is wrong with me?
••
then I think of that word again.
'dying,'
it's such a strange word, right?
