Anxiety [Muke af]

Twenty-one

Trigger warning! Read carefully please

"Hey, mum?" Luke turned to look at his mother. "Yes, dear?" Luke sat down on a kitchen chair. "Uhm, Jane wants to talk with you and Michael... at-at a session." Liz put down the spatula she had in her hand and asked. "Oh, when?" Luke shrugged. "I don't know... but she just wanted you to join me." Liz nodded and went back to cooking whatever she was cooking "Okay. Dinner will be ready in a few." Luke hummed as an answer and stood up, walking into the living room, sitting down on the couch. He sighed, fiddling a bit with his hands. He felt so numb. More numb than usual. It was scary. 

As you know, Luke was suicidal. And even though he was happy with Michael, he was, he really was. He still didn't want to live, but he didn't want to hurt Michael or his mum. But he couldn't help feeling the way he did. He rolled up his sleeve, looking at the faint white lines and the red fresh ones. He let his fingers glide over it. He chuckled sadly "You're insane, Luke." he whispered to himself. 

"Luke, honey. Dinners ready." Liz said softly, poking her head into the living room. Luke didn't even look at her "Mum... I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live like this anymore," he said, staring blankly at the TV. How do you think it feels when your own child says that to you? 

Liz was terrified, absolutely terrified. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, not knowing what to say. 

"Luke..." she walked closer to him "No, mum... It's so hard. And so scary," he said in a thick voice "It's so scary to be numb, mum. Don't you think it would be easier for anyone if I'm not here?" he asked, more to himself than his mum. 

"Luke, of course not. I-"

"Wouldn't it?! Admit it! It would be easier!" he yelled, tears streaming down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around himself, rocking back and forth. Liz frantically rushed over to his side "Luke, Luke! Listen to me. Calm down." she tried wrapping her arms around him. 

"No, no, no, no. Let me go! Let me go!" Luke was going absolutely nuts. He wiggled out of Liz's grib, running up stairs, into his bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror "You ruined my life!" he whispered angrily. He started pulling at his own hair, sobbing. 

"I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" he started slapping himself. 

"I hate you."

Slap

"I hate you."

Slap 

Liz knocked on the door repeatedly "Luke! Open the door! Now!" she cried "Luke, please!"

Inside the bathroom Luke glanced at the razorblades, his vision blurry from the tears. He could end it all. One deep cut and all his misery would be gone. 

But, he didn't... He couldn't. He shakingly unlocked the door, opening it.

"Mum..." he whimpered and colapsed in Liz's arms. Liz held him close, soothingly rubbing his back, shushing him. "It's okay. You're okay. I'm here. I'm gonna make sure you're gonna get better." 

Luke nodded against her neck. He felt like a little boy in that moment

The next day he didn't go to school, and the day after that he didn't either. Actually, he didn't go to school for the rest of the week. Michael was worried. Luke didn't text him and he didn't answer Michael's calls or texts. He thought he had done something wrong. 

But in reality: Liz just took his phone away. Why, You may ask. 

Well, Liz didn't want him to be distracted or go on the internet. She was afraid that he might look up ways to end his life.